News alert: 2020 Cancelled
[New York, NY -- March 24, 2020.] At a hastily-convened emergency conference at the United Nations, world leaders unanimously voted to cancel 2020 and institute an immediate, global temporal shift to 2021. Particle physicists, thermodynamicists, and gluon experts will work through the night to adjust the Earth's position in space-time to January 1, 2021. According to a senior G7 government official, the jump should take place no later than midnight Friday, East Coast time.
"I thought 2020 was going to be beautiful. Yuge. What a year we were gonna have. Huh? Just beautiful. But look at how it's going. It's disgraceful. And we got scientists. All kinds of scientists. Smart guys. They say we can do it. I know a lot about science, so I wrote a few equations for them. Just you wait. 2021's gonna be yuge. I mean, we can even skip all this nonsense about the election and go right to my inauguration," said President Donald Trump.
Other world leaders echoed Mr. Trump's comments. "I've been stuck at home for days, quarantined with two kids," Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada said. "2020 can, to put it politely, suck it. The possibility of this jump opening up a massive black hole into which the Earth might be crushed to the size of a pea...well, that's a risk we've got to take." Dictator-For-Life Kim Jong Un, of North Korea, nodded his head in agreement and rubbed his hands in glee. "Nine fewer months until we can show the world the glorious nuclear flower of the Democratic People's Republic."
Around the globe, celebrities, business executives, and religious leaders toasted the decision. "We must have really ticked off The Man Upstairs," said Pope Francis. "He won't even text me back."
So far, the only pushback has come from a group of airline pilots, who claimed that suddenly jolting the Earth into a new space-time dimension "isn't in the contract, will violate seniority, will force more of us onto reserve, and will cheat us out of 9 months' profit-sharing and crew meals." A representative of ALPA declined to formally comment.