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View Full Version : Farting in the cockpit


Al Czervik
06-25-2018, 11:40 AM
Have a little class/respect. I don’t want to hangout in your bathroom.


Dolphinflyer
06-25-2018, 12:11 PM
Run out of Midol?

LRSRanger
06-25-2018, 12:12 PM
I say return fire.


flensr
06-25-2018, 12:14 PM
Turn pack temp down too low on purpose if you think it's gonna be a problem. Then when other pilot complains about temps, turn it up and let-er-rip. Blame ensuing stench on packs.

SonicFlyer
06-25-2018, 12:37 PM
Meh, just light up a cigar to cover the smell.

100LL
06-25-2018, 12:40 PM
If you are at a real major just suck it up. You get paid the big bucks to deal with random stuff like that. Still don’t like it then work single pilot operations. :rolleyes:

TCASTESTOK
06-25-2018, 12:46 PM
http://airlinefiles.com/images/Chorizo.jpg

Excargodog
06-25-2018, 12:58 PM
Have a little class/respect. I don’t want to hangout in your bathroom.


Boyle's Law. The volume of gas that can be contained in a large bowel at sea level cannot successfully be contained at a 6000 ft equivalent cabin. What do you want the guy to do? Explode? Displace solids or liquids in lieu of gas?

That won't improve your cabin environment either!

wilco811
06-25-2018, 02:53 PM
Once or twice is ok but usually it’s the same old farts who keep farting constantly, each time I have to fly with them. It is very annoying! But at the end of the day not such a big deal😀

123494
06-25-2018, 03:24 PM
People have to learn have to “test fart”. Instead of just letting one massive fart go all at once, try to push it out in small batches. Doing it this way will prevent most of the smell. Try not to push too hard, though. Don’t want to soil yourself on day 1

nkbux
06-25-2018, 04:09 PM
Clearly none of you are airbus pilots...amateurs...you hold it in until the green lav occupied light illuminates and let nature take its course...followed by asking the other guy,” dude was that you?... on no someone is destroying the forward lav never mind”

Brilliant

WindWalker999
06-25-2018, 05:07 PM
Clearly none of you are airbus pilots...amateurs...you hold it in until the green lav occupied light illuminates and let nature take its course...followed by asking the other guy,” dude was that you?... on no someone is destroying the forward lav never mind”

Brilliant

You can hear it flush, too. So wait for the flush, then say “wow that sounded SOLID”. Then when the green light goes OUT, indicating that said door has just been opened......unleash hell and say “JEEEEE-HEEEEEZUS we better write that lav up!!” and smile at your craftiness!

Slop
06-25-2018, 05:27 PM
Have a little class/respect. I don’t want to hangout in your bathroom.

Sh it happens.

Stop being a sally

DENpilot
06-25-2018, 05:44 PM
Clearly none of you are airbus pilots...amateurs...you hold it in until the green lav occupied light illuminates and let nature take its course...followed by asking the other guy,” dude was that you?... on no someone is destroying the forward lav never mind”

Brilliant


Haha just told my FO this trick the other day.

OpenClimb
06-25-2018, 05:55 PM
Clearly none of you are airbus pilots...amateurs...you hold it in until the green lav occupied light illuminates and let nature take its course...followed by asking the other guy,” dude was that you?... on no someone is destroying the forward lav never mind”

Brilliant

I’m gonna have to work on my timing!

I ate at a cheap Chinese Buffet the other night and the ride home the next morning was pretty rank. Sorry to my FO. Hope he’s recovered by now.

velosnow
06-25-2018, 06:06 PM
Damnit Beavis this forum needs upvoting :D

nkbux
06-25-2018, 06:17 PM
I’m very proud of you all...

at6d
06-25-2018, 06:56 PM
Open a sanicom and hold it over a vent. Works like a charm.

captjns
06-25-2018, 07:00 PM
For those who want to sing along....

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iG6E5_y62_Q

Or those who enjoy a funny greeting card

https://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1341966008597_9311370.png

Swedish Blender
06-25-2018, 07:09 PM
People have to learn have to “test fart”

I thought that was during climb out after a Mumbai layover.:eek:

UAL T38 Phlyer
06-25-2018, 07:14 PM
Hopefully Boeing will incorporate a “vacuum seat” with slight negative pressure in the 797...sales brochures will say “alleviates muscle soreness and aches on long flights...” but we’ll know the truth. :rolleyes:

In the meantime: cork it, or this.

Flatulence Filtering Underwear - Shreddies USA (http://shreddiesusa.com/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1MGu7a3w2wIVHbjACh3rrArzEAAYASA AEgIdj_D_BwE)

echelon
06-25-2018, 08:48 PM
People have to learn have to “test fart”. Instead of just letting one massive fart go all at once, try to push it out in small batches. Doing it this way will prevent most of the smell. Try not to push too hard, though. Don’t want to soil yourself on day 1

Really? What if your "test farts" end up smelling bad? Then according to your plan you're just making the other guy smell the turd you're baking over and over again while you release one little burst of a$$ at a time, instead of just once by letting it all out in one big fart. If it's really terrible and you're really that embarrassed by it, open a sanicom and wave it around like you're gonna clean your tray table or something.

Excargodog
06-25-2018, 08:59 PM
People have to learn have to “test fart”. Instead of just letting one massive fart go all at once, try to push it out in small batches. Doing it this way will prevent most of the smell. Try not to push too hard, though. Don’t want to soil yourself on day 1

On day one?

On day one???

So how often do you change your underwear on a five day?

No, on second thought, I really DON'T want to know.

flensr
06-25-2018, 09:00 PM
Get some really smelly hand sanitizer and randomly spread some around. That way when you let one rip for real, it's not weird that you're smearing perfume on your hands all of a sudden.

80ktsClamp
06-25-2018, 09:01 PM
The 757 holds true to the best cockpit design ever. Aim that gasper direct aft down your leg and the other guy will never smell even the worst that you drop.

The 320 series, being my close second favorite to it, allows you to use similar technique with slightly more varied results. Other planes have proven to be less forgiving. Our Airbus delivered old 320s and 319s, you could smell every dump taken in the lav. Thankfully with the new interiors, they have fixed that glitch.

Be a good partner and call your shots to test your techniques.

Obviously with jumpseaters behind, they get the brunt of it and pay for the free ride by enjoying your Sex Panther musk.

Excargodog
06-25-2018, 09:06 PM
Count your blessings. I once was a GIB in a redeployment from Taegu behind a guy who apparently was a kimchee aficionado. Let me tell you, that face mask stayed on with the regulator set on 100% until the canopy was opened at Hickam.

The guys poopy suit did not adequately confine the aroma to allow anything less than 100 % O2.

Name User
06-25-2018, 09:07 PM
People have to learn have to “test fart”. Instead of just letting one massive fart go all at once, try to push it out in small batches. Doing it this way will prevent most of the smell. Try not to push too hard, though. Don’t want to soil yourself on day 1

I find rolling on one cheek to relieve pressure off the output valve and releasing a little at a time to prevent "excessive" blow off to be effective. As a bonus it eliminates the "pushing" and allows you to see what you're gonna get. Don't want to push too hard and get something more than gas.

busdriver12
06-25-2018, 09:53 PM
Good Lord, what is wrong with you people? I've been flying for 34 years and have never felt the need to fart in the cockpit. Jeez, control yourselves, it's not that hard.:eek:

Hellafo
06-25-2018, 09:55 PM
EMERGENCY F.A.R.T. CHECKLIST

1. CONVERSATION......STOP
-PILOT DOESN'T STOP TALKING
-Ease into seat
-Without delay buttcheeks both release pressure
*This allows for quick release of gas at the adecuate PSI

•••••••••••••••••••••••

-PILOT STOPS TALKING
-AIR VENT..................FULLY OPEN
-ZONE TEMP(affected side)..... REDUCE
-SANITIZING WIPE.....UNWRAP/EXTEND
-SEAT BACK POSITION......ADJUST STRAIGHT
-BUTTCHEECK VALVE........ FULLY OPEN

2. BLAME................ PLACE(Subject to PM likeability)
3. REPEAT AS REQUIRED
(It is recommended that after two consecutive occurrences, the drawers are checked, and the walk of shame is implemented.
•••••••••••••••••••••••



Hella, farting.

Milk Man
06-25-2018, 10:28 PM
Have a little class/respect. I don’t want to hangout in your bathroom.

Really??? Wasn’t there an article recently stating sniffing farts could prevent cancer? You SHOULD be grateful, and sniff more!!

Rolf
06-26-2018, 10:25 AM
Whackmaster makes eye contact when he lets them rip:D

TheRaven
06-26-2018, 03:08 PM
Have a little class/respect. I don’t want to hangout in your bathroom.

How do you not fart in the cockpit....we aren’t talking about something that can really be controlled.....sometimes you just have to let one rip

jDSTJD
06-26-2018, 04:46 PM
OMG. I am laughing so hard I'm dizzy. The next time I fly, which happens to be this Thursday, I will not be able to look at the pilots with a straight face.

123494
06-26-2018, 05:17 PM
On day one?

On day one???

So how often do you change your underwear on a five day?

No, on second thought, I really DON'T want to know.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to...

EMBFlyer
06-26-2018, 05:35 PM
If they stop serving that damn greek yogurt with the breakfast meals, things would be slightly better. The human body can only take so many probiotics.

echelon
06-26-2018, 07:42 PM
If they stop serving that damn greek yogurt with the breakfast meals, things would be slightly better. The human body can only take so many probiotics.

Nobody's forcing you to eat it

Hetman
06-26-2018, 11:41 PM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OM9jhGiIAFM

Glenntilton
06-27-2018, 04:41 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kY4Ytj0itGo

captjns
06-27-2018, 07:00 AM
Those barking spiders can be real deadly:eek:!

GreatStory
06-27-2018, 08:10 AM
If they stop serving that damn greek yogurt with the breakfast meals, things would be slightly better. The human body can only take so many probiotics.

wat?




.........

rickair7777
06-27-2018, 08:22 AM
How do you not fart in the cockpit....we aren’t talking about something that can really be controlled.....sometimes you just have to let one rip

Yeah but you can control what you eat. Some entrees should be saved for days off or 30 hour layovers.

Excargodog
06-27-2018, 08:27 AM
Yeah but you can control what you eat. Some entrees should be saved for days off or 30 hour layovers.


KIMCHEE! :eek::eek:

nkbux
06-27-2018, 08:49 AM
yeah but you can control what you eat. Some entrees should be saved for days off or 30 hour layovers.

well then they shouldnt have put a chipotle in at iah now should they?????

450knotOffice
06-27-2018, 10:22 PM
One of the funniest threads ever....omg, lol in public!

Ed Force One
06-28-2018, 08:43 AM
well then they shouldnt have put a chipotle in at iah now should they?????

I don't know... pretty sure I got mild food poisoning at the Qdoba in MCO last week.

Excargodog
06-28-2018, 08:58 AM
I don't know... pretty sure I got mild food poisoning at the Qdoba in MCO last week.

Panda Express. I found out about the "express" part about two hours later.

badflaps
06-28-2018, 04:26 PM
Panda Express. I found out about the "express" part about two hours later.

Chunks of real Panda perhaps.

PhantomHawk
06-28-2018, 05:50 PM
well then they shouldnt have put a chipotle in at iah now should they?????

There’s a Chipotle in IAH??

123494
06-28-2018, 06:51 PM
Speaking of Chipotle in PHL, avoid it like the plague. They’ll serve you raw chicken without even realizing it. Real nice group they have working there...

multipilot
06-29-2018, 06:28 AM
Everybody farts. If you don't fart, you become very ill and die.

nkbux
06-29-2018, 12:07 PM
There’s a Chipotle in IAH??

Nope... it’s a Panda Express in A... was confusing it with the Chipotle in BWI

PhantomHawk
06-29-2018, 12:08 PM
Everybody farts. If you don't fart, you become very ill and die.

Do it on the walk around, not in a confined space.

Milk Man
06-29-2018, 12:41 PM
Do it on the walk around, not in a confined space.

What plane do you fly?

velosnow
06-29-2018, 12:54 PM
Everybody farts. If you don't fart, you become very ill and die.

Not to dissimilar from the disease known as Uromysitisis, this is Gastromysitisis.

https://media1.tenor.com/images/8193012741ec62d6a088e3e8adf01524/tenor.gif

jcountry
06-29-2018, 04:06 PM
https://youtu.be/OFHYSbDl-cY

TeamSasquatch
06-29-2018, 04:10 PM
Chunks of real Panda perhaps.

It’s not even legal, but they have a workaround!! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pass a PE and not think of this.

echelon
06-30-2018, 06:34 AM
Do it on the walk around, not in a confined space.

How do you do a walkaround 3 hrs into a 6hr transcon?

PhantomHawk
06-30-2018, 09:36 AM
How do you do a walkaround 3 hrs into a 6hr transcon?

You hold it. My point was that you do it BEFORE the flight, or AFTER. What kind of old-man sphincter do y’all have that you can’t wait? I have no desire to smell another person’s aerosol fecal matter. I also don’t subject the other person to mine. That’s my wife’s lot in life, not the other pilot’s.

Broncofan
06-30-2018, 09:44 AM
You hold it. My point was that you do it BEFORE the flight, or AFTER. What kind of old-man sphincter do y’all have that you can’t wait? I have no desire to smell another person’s aerosol fecal matter. I also don’t subject the other person to mine. That’s my wife’s lot in life, not the other pilot’s.

Good on you for being able to hold it on a 6 hour flight, I however cannot. I let it rip without a second thought.

echelon
06-30-2018, 12:04 PM
You hold it. My point was that you do it BEFORE the flight, or AFTER. What kind of old-man sphincter do y’all have that you can’t wait? I have no desire to smell another person’s aerosol fecal matter. I also don’t subject the other person to mine. That’s my wife’s lot in life, not the other pilot’s.

I have trouble farting standing up, or at least it comes much easier sitting down. Sometimes if I get up in flight for a bathroom break the fart will still be accessible 30 seconds later when I'm safely locked in the lav, but most of the time as soon as I stand up it disappears, only to return as soon as I sit down again. And no, I will not be sitting on the toilet in the lav unless my life, or that of my uniform pants, depends on it.

RamenNoodles
06-30-2018, 12:32 PM
You hold it. My point was that you do it BEFORE the flight, or AFTER. What kind of old-man sphincter do y’all have that you can’t wait? I have no desire to smell another person’s aerosol fecal matter. I also don’t subject the other person to mine. That’s my wife’s lot in life, not the other pilot’s.

Apparently you’ve never had a fart that causes painful abdominal cramping when denied it’s freedom from the poop tunnel.

ToastAir
06-30-2018, 12:38 PM
Not so much fun in the crash pad either!

MrBojangles
06-30-2018, 12:47 PM
sometimes its too painful to hold..on a side note I heard that carbon fiber is supposed to absorb fart smells, so maybe someone could make some carbon fiber underwear or seat cushions. that would be amazing.

wow they actually make them already
https://www.myshreddies.com/about/

PhantomHawk
06-30-2018, 01:36 PM
I’ve shared a cockpit with a self-admitted serial farter. He was heavily into protein shakes and workout supplements that caused constant gas. He carried a scented spray that masked it, and it never bothered me. It’s those times when I’m forced to smell a preview of your future dump that I take offense to. At home, it’s one thing. At work, I don’t know you well enough to get acquainted with your colon. Common courtesy 101.

Milk Man
06-30-2018, 03:04 PM
You hold it. My point was that you do it BEFORE the flight, or AFTER. What kind of old-man sphincter do y’all have that you can’t wait? I have no desire to smell another person’s aerosol fecal matter. I also don’t subject the other person to mine. That’s my wife’s lot in life, not the other pilot’s.

Have you flown a 6 hr flight in an RJ before? Didnt think so. But you are right there are measures to be taken to mask an odor, and it can be easily done.

PhantomHawk
06-30-2018, 03:16 PM
Ok.
Flights over 6 hours = fart impugnity.

Flights under 6 hours = hold it or mask it

There’s an exception for Milk Man....because double-breasted farts smell like discipline and honor.

galleycafe
06-30-2018, 03:21 PM
Just hold your coffee cup close to your nose.

Plane Coffee

Al Czervik
06-30-2018, 03:45 PM
I’ve shared a cockpit with a self-admitted serial farter. He was heavily into protein shakes and workout supplements that caused constant gas. He carried a scented spray that masked it, and it never bothered me. It’s those times when I’m forced to smell a preview of your future dump that I take offense to. At home, it’s one thing. At work, I don’t know you well enough to get acquainted with your colon. Common courtesy 101.

I thought you started off by saying “I’ve SHARTED a cockpit” I was looking forward to reading what happened until I realized I misread.

PhantomHawk
06-30-2018, 05:21 PM
Two rules of commercial aviation....always pee when you get the chance, and never trust a fart.

captjns
06-30-2018, 07:11 PM
Two rules of commercial aviation....always pee when you get the chance, and never trust a fart.

Your forgetting the third don’t rule. Never waste a [email protected] on;).

Milk Man
07-01-2018, 09:23 AM
There’s an exception for Milk Man....because double-breasted farts smell like discipline and honor.

You wanna smell it dont you?

hvydvr
07-01-2018, 10:01 AM
they get the brunt of it and pay for the free ride by enjoying your Sex Panther musk.

“60% of the time, it works every time.”

Glenntilton
07-01-2018, 11:59 AM
I never fart in the cockpit. I save them for the bunk room.

Adlerdriver
07-01-2018, 12:26 PM
Two rules of commercial aviation....always pee when you get the chance, and never trust a fart.
What about never refuse a breath mint or gum when it’s offered?

cactusmike
07-01-2018, 10:15 PM
It’s not even legal, but they have a workaround!! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pass a PE and not think of this.



It’s on the secret menu. You have to ask for the stir fried panda.

vagabond
07-01-2018, 10:33 PM
Does the guy in the jumpseat ever fart?

My grandmother used to say if you can hear it, you can't smell it, and vice versa. If given a choice, I'd rather hear it then.

hockeypilot44
07-02-2018, 05:42 AM
I take courtesy dumps between flights for the other guy’s sake. I have no problem taking a dump during flight. Makes me feel good to get paid over $3 per minute to poop.

flensr
07-02-2018, 06:33 AM
I take courtesy dumps between flights for the other guy’s sake. I have no problem taking a dump during flight. Makes me feel good to get paid over $3 per minute to poop.

Last year at Spirit I made around 57 cents per minute (before taxes and other deductions, and before the new contract). At that rate some people can't be motivated to even wipe.

badflaps
07-02-2018, 02:06 PM
Well, this conversation went in the dumper quickly.

Quarryman
07-02-2018, 07:06 PM
Well, this conversation went in the dumper quickly.

I'm pretty anal about things, usually, including where and when to fart. The cockpit is not such a place.

decrabbitz
07-02-2018, 09:08 PM
Back in my airlift days, as long as you announced “Howdy” it was considered no foul. “Hillary” later became an accepted call, but then deemed inappropriate.

DENpilot
07-02-2018, 11:28 PM
I'm pretty anal about things, usually, including where and when to fart. The cockpit is not such a place.

"anal" "fart" and "cockpit" in the same post.... *snicker*

My inner 8 year old is coming out... :D:D

80ktsClamp
07-02-2018, 11:56 PM
I take courtesy dumps between flights for the other guy’s sake. I have no problem taking a dump during flight. Makes me feel good to get paid over $3 per minute to poop.

I decided to do the thing a couple weeks ago on a long turn instead of the normal holding it in... 274 bucks an hour divided into me doing horrible things to that toilet was a very profitable venture.

Broncofan
07-03-2018, 08:17 AM
"anal" "fart" and "cockpit" in the same post.... *snicker*

My inner 8 year old is coming out... :D:D

We are a special breed of professionals

CaptCoolHand
07-05-2018, 07:06 AM
Farts in the cockpit should be treated like sleeping.

One shall not fart in the cockpit.

however should one require to release said fart, one should notify others in the cockpit in order to prepare.

If this required release is excessive, due diligence to relieving the underlying issue is required.

always follow the checklist.

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/b2/73/2a/b2732a0684d7092a187aab911c4b7bf8--aviation.jpg