Cannonball Run
05-26-2020, 07:46 AM
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Cannonball Run
'Cannonball Run' record repeatedly shattered as US highways empty during coronavirus lockdown.
Several teams reported to have completed the coast to coast run from Manhattan to Redondo Beach, California in under 26 hours
By
Buck Rogers
US CORRESPONDENT
23 May 2020 • 9:05pm
When a team of three hurtled across the US at an average speed of 103 mph last year, many believed their Cannonball Run record of 27 hours and 25 minutes would remain intact for years.
Then came the coronavirus lockdown which saw highways across the US empty, leaving the roads free for speed-freaks while millions of Americans complied with stay-at-home orders.
The temptation of taking on the challenge, which dates back to the early 1970s, has proved irresistible.
In just a couple of months the record in the race, popularised in a 1981 film starring Burt Reynolds, has been shattered seven times.
A driver, calling him - or herself - Captain Chaos got the journey time down to 26 hours and 38 minutes in an Audi 8 - at an average speed of 106 mph.
I interviewed Captain Chaos via Zoom due to a self-imposed 14 day CV-19 lockdown mandated by California. Some of the most relevant Q&A follows:
Q: "That's a most historic feat. Were there any inspirational figures growing up that helped mold you?"
A: "My great grandpappy Burt lamely attempted to regale me with his "boomer" stories from 50 years ago. He doesn't
know how easy he had it and I wanted to show him what the greatest generation can accomplish now. Ol' fart don't
know nothing."
Q: "With such an incredible completion time, there couldn't have been time to eat and drink. What did you do?"
A: "Two days prior, my team started the B.Bunny diet plan (http://[email protected]). We swallowed
handfuls of almonds, ate a four pound block of Haversham Extra-Sharp Cheddar Cheese, and three pounds of high
density, free-range beef."
Q: "So how did that help you?"
A: "Our bodies were so stopped up, we shat rabbit pellets that came out looking like chocolate coated almonds. We
washed that down using our Sawyer mini-water filtration system (http://[email protected]) and
recycled our urine."
Q: "Other than gas, you didn't have to make any stops?"
A: "Well, we did stop in Colorado at the local head shop which was open because it's an essential service.
There, the bud tender filled our anxiety Rx prescription for Laughing Buddha buds (http://[email protected]).
That was some good sheet, man."
Q: "So you're blowing down the road averaging 106mph nibbling your nuggets, drinking your homemade lemonade,
and toking on your buddha bud, clambaking in your car. Any problems?"
A: "Not initially. About an hour outside of Denver, Quint, who was bogarting the Buddha, chiefed a huge rip off the
blunt. He tried his best to hold it down but eventually it resulted in an explosive cough. Fortunately, he got his mask up
in time. Unfortunately, he still had a "chocolate almond" in his mouth which immediately got expelled up into his nasal sinuses. We spent the next hour laughing about that and could barely keep the car on the road. Eventually, he got tired
of that big almond up in his nasal cavity so he tried to snarf it down with a big luggie forming honk down his nose. The
almond became dislodged but immediately went down his trachea and into his left lung. We all thought that was pretty
funny too."
Q: "Well, kudos on setting the record. Everything is all good?"
A: "Well, sort of. The almond in Quint's lung caused an infection but they wouldn't admit him into the hospital in
California because they didn't think it was life threatening. By the time they would accept him it was too
late and Quint didn't make it. Listed him as a CV-19 death because of respiratory failure, even though they didn't
test him. See, they explained that respiratory failure is indicative of CV-19 so they said a test wasn't necessary. "
Q: "Sorry about Quint, but other than that, all good?"
A: "Well, sort of. Derrsa, who was Quint's sister, was so traumatized she committed suicide and the doctor put
CV-19 related for cause of death."
Q: "CV related? How was Derrsa's death considered CV related?"
A: "Because if the roads hadn't been so open, we wouldn't have tried our own Cannonball Run; Quint wouldn't
have bogarted the Buddha bud resulting in the almond stuck in his lung, which caused an infection the docs
wouldn't treat due to it not being life-threatening, which ultimately lead to his unfortunate demise."
Q: "So two CV-19 deaths?"
A: "Yeah, but I guess it's all good because they're martyrs and I am the sole world record holder of the
Cannonball Run at 106mph. Grandpappy Burt you can kiss my butt, f'ing Boomer."
Buck Rogers reporting this "news" story from my hibernation bunker. Since third party quotes are unattributed to any author but still constitute news or facts because somebody said them sometime or somewhere, this is not fake news but real news.
Several teams reported to have completed the coast to coast run from Manhattan to Redondo Beach, California in under 26 hours
By
Buck Rogers
US CORRESPONDENT
23 May 2020 • 9:05pm
When a team of three hurtled across the US at an average speed of 103 mph last year, many believed their Cannonball Run record of 27 hours and 25 minutes would remain intact for years.
Then came the coronavirus lockdown which saw highways across the US empty, leaving the roads free for speed-freaks while millions of Americans complied with stay-at-home orders.
The temptation of taking on the challenge, which dates back to the early 1970s, has proved irresistible.
In just a couple of months the record in the race, popularised in a 1981 film starring Burt Reynolds, has been shattered seven times.
A driver, calling him - or herself - Captain Chaos got the journey time down to 26 hours and 38 minutes in an Audi 8 - at an average speed of 106 mph.
I interviewed Captain Chaos via Zoom due to a self-imposed 14 day CV-19 lockdown mandated by California. Some of the most relevant Q&A follows:
Q: "That's a most historic feat. Were there any inspirational figures growing up that helped mold you?"
A: "My great grandpappy Burt lamely attempted to regale me with his "boomer" stories from 50 years ago. He doesn't
know how easy he had it and I wanted to show him what the greatest generation can accomplish now. Ol' fart don't
know nothing."
Q: "With such an incredible completion time, there couldn't have been time to eat and drink. What did you do?"
A: "Two days prior, my team started the B.Bunny diet plan (http://[email protected]). We swallowed
handfuls of almonds, ate a four pound block of Haversham Extra-Sharp Cheddar Cheese, and three pounds of high
density, free-range beef."
Q: "So how did that help you?"
A: "Our bodies were so stopped up, we shat rabbit pellets that came out looking like chocolate coated almonds. We
washed that down using our Sawyer mini-water filtration system (http://[email protected]) and
recycled our urine."
Q: "Other than gas, you didn't have to make any stops?"
A: "Well, we did stop in Colorado at the local head shop which was open because it's an essential service.
There, the bud tender filled our anxiety Rx prescription for Laughing Buddha buds (http://[email protected]).
That was some good sheet, man."
Q: "So you're blowing down the road averaging 106mph nibbling your nuggets, drinking your homemade lemonade,
and toking on your buddha bud, clambaking in your car. Any problems?"
A: "Not initially. About an hour outside of Denver, Quint, who was bogarting the Buddha, chiefed a huge rip off the
blunt. He tried his best to hold it down but eventually it resulted in an explosive cough. Fortunately, he got his mask up
in time. Unfortunately, he still had a "chocolate almond" in his mouth which immediately got expelled up into his nasal sinuses. We spent the next hour laughing about that and could barely keep the car on the road. Eventually, he got tired
of that big almond up in his nasal cavity so he tried to snarf it down with a big luggie forming honk down his nose. The
almond became dislodged but immediately went down his trachea and into his left lung. We all thought that was pretty
funny too."
Q: "Well, kudos on setting the record. Everything is all good?"
A: "Well, sort of. The almond in Quint's lung caused an infection but they wouldn't admit him into the hospital in
California because they didn't think it was life threatening. By the time they would accept him it was too
late and Quint didn't make it. Listed him as a CV-19 death because of respiratory failure, even though they didn't
test him. See, they explained that respiratory failure is indicative of CV-19 so they said a test wasn't necessary. "
Q: "Sorry about Quint, but other than that, all good?"
A: "Well, sort of. Derrsa, who was Quint's sister, was so traumatized she committed suicide and the doctor put
CV-19 related for cause of death."
Q: "CV related? How was Derrsa's death considered CV related?"
A: "Because if the roads hadn't been so open, we wouldn't have tried our own Cannonball Run; Quint wouldn't
have bogarted the Buddha bud resulting in the almond stuck in his lung, which caused an infection the docs
wouldn't treat due to it not being life-threatening, which ultimately lead to his unfortunate demise."
Q: "So two CV-19 deaths?"
A: "Yeah, but I guess it's all good because they're martyrs and I am the sole world record holder of the
Cannonball Run at 106mph. Grandpappy Burt you can kiss my butt, f'ing Boomer."
Buck Rogers reporting this "news" story from my hibernation bunker. Since third party quotes are unattributed to any author but still constitute news or facts because somebody said them sometime or somewhere, this is not fake news but real news.
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