For when Your sitting there with nothing to do,But laugh
 

Unexpected Reply

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

I should have said smile
 

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Ready for a miracle ?
 

Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.

"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn. Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear, "If this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"

Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time) is: "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."

There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says, "Tower, I think under the circumstances we'd better just hold short. I don't feel quite that lucky."

A couple of shot ones
 

What is the ideal cockpit crew? .......
A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining soon after landing.

A Pilot goes to hell
 

A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door. He laughs and chooses door no. 3. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door no. 3 is flight attendant hell".

Don't hurry !
 

During a routine airline flight from LA to New York the captain puts the mike down after he is done with the passenger briefing, button jammed to the on position.
He leans back comfortably in his seat and exclaims " I'm first gonna have a cup of coffee and then I'm gonna ****** that cute flight attendant."
The passengers of course hear everything and burst in laughter, and the chief flight attendant who was at the back runs forward to warn the captain.
Unfortunately she trips and falls on her face. And as she tries to get up an elderly female passenger leans over and whispers:" Don't be in such a hurry child he said he's gonna have a cup of coffee first!!!"

Good old FAA
 

It is a little-known fact that Santa has to keep his pilot's license current in order to make his deliveries every year, and so the old man wasn't too surprised when he got a letter from the FAA informing him that an examiner would be appearing shortly to run him through the usual recertification drill. A detail of elves was sent out to wash and polish the sleigh, another group was assigned to inspect, service, and repair all the tack, and a third squad started curry-combing the reindeer. Santa himself got out his logbook and the rest of the paperwork and made sure that it was all in order.

On the appointed day the examiner arrived, and after the ritual cup of coffee, he went over Santa's log and the paperwork, then followed Santa outside. After a meticulous review of Santa's weight and balance calculations, the examiner watched Santa do the preflight, then followed behind him, looking closely at everything from the bells on the back of the sleigh to Rudolph's nose. When he finished, he turned to Santa and said: "It looks pretty good so far. Let me get one thing out of my bags and then we'll take her up."

When the examiner got back, Santa was in the sleigh and ready to taxi. As the examiner climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that he was carrying a shotgun. "What's THAT for?" Santa asked. The examiner looked at him, then winked: "I really shouldn't tell you this, but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."

Back before Western Airlines was consumed by Delta I was taxing for takeoff at LAX. A Western DC-10 was doing likewise.

The ground controller was so busy she was talking continuously without even breathing. An F-27 commuter had landed on RW 25R and turned on to the "connector" taxiway just ahead of the Western DC-10 creating a possible conflict. The F-27 hadn't contacted ground control yet.

She gave the Western a call:
GC: Western 123, use caution for the F-27. I'm not talking to him yet.
W123: (A really quick witted co-pilot, no doubt) Roger, we see the little Fokker.

Total silence on ground freq. for about 2 minutes!

Do you have a wife ?
 

Late one afternoon, the Air Force guys out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilots story is that he took off out of Vegas, got lost and found the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. They Air Force starts a full FBI background check on the guy and hold him overnight. The next day they are finally convinced that the guy really was lost and is not a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you did not see a base" briefing complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison. They say Vegas is that-a-way on this heading and send him off.

The next day, here comes the Cessna again. Once again the MPs surround the plane, only this time there are two people in the plane. The same pilot jumps out and says" do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night....."

How did we find out about STOL performance of Soviet aircraft
 

This comes from a top secret recording describing what happened at a soviet cockpit during approach to JFK at IFR conditions:
Captain : "500 ft. low visibility, runway seems to be short. Co-pilot, lower flaps to 30 degrees..."
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down at 30.. check."
Captain : "300 ft, low visibility, runway looks very short... Co-pilot, lower to 45 degrees !!!"
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down at 45...check."
Captain : "100 ft !!! Runway very short !!! "Co-pilot, lower flaps to emergency - 90 degrees down!!!
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down to 90 degrees ready to land...check." Aircraft lands and breaks immediately...
Captain : "*wipes off the sweets and sighs*... "Ohh they make the runways so short in the west...."
Co-pilot: "Yes...*points out the window*...but they are so wide..."