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joke du jour May 31, 2006

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joke du jour May 31, 2006

Old 07-05-2006, 09:02 PM
  #101  
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Very cute, Tom. Believe it or not, I have heard better and worse! Who says the practice of law cannot be an endless source of entertainment and amusement?
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Old 07-05-2006, 09:04 PM
  #102  
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The Virgins.
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Old 07-08-2006, 11:18 AM
  #103  
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Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans. Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for her birthday dinner!
 
Old 07-08-2006, 11:24 AM
  #104  
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In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smells like pepper.



 
Old 07-08-2006, 11:33 AM
  #105  
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Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping
with us again unless your husband stops his antics while you are
shopping. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months, all
verified by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
ladies' restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, "Code 3 in housewares".....and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOO! R" sign to a carpeted
area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. September 23: When our clerks ask whether they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department practiced his "Madonna look"
using different sized funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams, "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"

And last but not least:
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, and waited
a while; then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
 
Old 07-08-2006, 08:56 PM
  #106  
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Default pun intended

1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them, and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to get them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Old 07-08-2006, 08:58 PM
  #107  
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Default secret to a happy marriage

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the ontents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret
of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.

Only two precious doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
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Old 07-08-2006, 09:00 PM
  #108  
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Default 9 phrases guys never want to hear

We all know that saying “I love you” can strike fear into the hearts of men. But do you know the other expressions that make them quake in their boots? I talked to several guy friends to discover the phrases that freak them:

1. You’re not serious.
“I get this when I ask for her number, put a move on her or invite her back to my place,” says Bob, a fraud investigator in Boston. “Girls can add to the fright factor by wearing a furrowed brow or withering look.”

2. In your dreams.
“This is a quick, yet effective, brush-off that no man wants to hear,” notes Patrick, a law student in Palo Alto, Calif.

3. Meet my boyfriend?
“This is never a good thing to hear, especially if she gestures toward a burly guy with a menacing look or tattoos,” says Nigel, a radiologist in Kansas City. “Unless I’m really drunk, I’ll probably be too scared to put any more moves on you.”

4. You want what?
“If she says this to you, you know you’ve crossed some line of good taste or rational thought,” says Bob. “It’s never a good sign.”

5. I’m leaving you.
“This one’s awful, not only because it spells the end of a relationship,” Nigel remarks, “but because it makes you start thinking about all your shortcomings. No woman says this without giving you a list of every single thing that’s wrong with you.”

6. Is that you?
“This is generally in response to an offensive smell and accompanied by a pinched nose, wrinkled brow or a quick dash from the room,” Bob explains. “At least for me.”

7. Let’s be friends.
“This one’s sure to cause trepidation,” Pat posits, “especially if she’s the girl of your dreams.”

8. Who are you?
“This one’s really horrible the morning after,” Bob allows. “But I'm not sure whom it reflects more poorly on — you or her.”

9. Not tonight, honey.
“Perhaps the second most frightening phrase you can say to a man after ‘I love you,’” Nigel notes.
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Old 07-09-2006, 09:12 AM
  #109  
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Default marriage

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules!
Any comments?"
His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
(SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************

Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "You're no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" She says, "Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(DITTO!)
**************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
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Old 07-11-2006, 10:19 AM
  #110  
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An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to
"give Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, how's about getting me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Redneck said to "give Jesus a cold glass of
Coke, on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"
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