Cass

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, went to the doctor to have some tests done.
The doc says" I wont lie to you son, you've got AIDS".
The Marlboro Man sets his jaw, tilts his stetson and says," Doc, what can we do?"
Doc says, " I want you to go home and eat 2 fresh cabbage heads, then 20 carrots soaked in tobasco, 20 Jalapeno peppers, a box of Grape Nuts cereal, and a gallon of prune juice."
"Will that take care of it?" says the cowboy.
"No, but it will give you a good understanding of what your rump is for!!"

vagabond

This has gone around a few times, but still relevant and humorous.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with
the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problem, document
their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe
sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on wi ndshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Cass

Enter into a courtroom scene'
Defense attorney ( Vagabond ) is questioning a little old lady on the stand.
Defense attorney: For the record ma'm, state your age.
little old lady:89
D.A.And would you please desribe the events that occured on the afternoon of April first
L.O.L.: Well, I was sitting on my porch swing in the afternoon enjoying the spring weather, when along comes this handsome young man. He sits next to me and starts rubbing my leg.
D.A.: Did you ask him to stop?
L.O.L. Heavens no! I havent felt that since my Abner passed on 23 years ago.
D.A.: continue please
L.O.L. So then this young man starts touching my br**sts,and I get all fired up, and I said Take me now young man!! He jumped up ,laughed,and said "April Fools!!!!!
Thats when I pulled out the shotgun and blasted the little ba***rd

Cass

A cabbie in NYC picks up a Nun. The Nun notices that he is very handsome and wont stop staring at her. The Nun says "please, my son, is there a reason that you are staring at me?"
The cabbie says "yes my dear lady, it is just that I have always had a fantasy about kissing a Nun."
The Nun says "are you single and Catholic?"
The cabbie says "Yes!!" So they pull over and the Nun gives him a kiss that would make a harlot blush.
Afterward, as they are driving, the cabbie starts to cry. The Nun asks him what is wrong. He says "I lied!, I am married and Jewish!"
"Thats ok" says the Nun, "My name is Kevin and Im going to a Halloween party"

Falcon Girl

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Cass

A woman and a man are driving home one day. The woman is driving, doing a steady 40 mph.
Her husband clears his throat, and says " honey, I want a divorce"
The woman says nothing but the speed creeps to 45.
"Dont argue either, I am having an affair with your best friend"
speed creeps to 55
He adds " I want the house too, and all the boat.
She gripps the wheel tighter, saying nothing,and the speed increases to 65.
"Dont you have anthing to say about what you need from our divorce?" He asks
She looks at him as she accelerates to 75, " I have all that I need" she says.
"what do you have" he splutters, seeing an approaching wall. She says,
"An airbag"

Skygirl

The "boat" would have got to me too!

Falcon Girl

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the he** are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"

Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your boobs for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BIT**ES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"

Cass

The following are actual comments made by patients receiving colonscopies as reported by a doctor ( I know they make a lot of money, but WHO would want to do this for a living?) did someone say Sky High?

Did you find my dignity yet?

Can you write a note to my wife and tell her that my head isnt in there?

Now I know why Im not Gay

Have you found Amelia Earhart yet?

You know, in Arkansas we would be legally married

Can you hear me now?

Why didnt I choose a doctor with small hands...

Take it easy doc, you are disrupting Jimmy and the Twins

You used to be an Enron exec didnt you?

Now I know what a Muppet feels like!

vagabond

Not exactly related, but cute nevertheless and we could all use a bit of lightheartedness (is there such a word?) now and then.

1. Dear God,
please put another holiday
between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda


2. Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother
but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
Joyce


3. Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart
I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet


4. God,
I read the bible.
What does beget mean?
Nobody will tell me.
Love Alison


5. Dear God,
how did you know you were God?
Who told you?
Charlene


6. Dear God,
is it true my father
won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita


7. Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you
to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family
and I can never do it.
Nancy


8. Dear God,
I like the story about Noah
the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones.
I like walking on water, too.
Glenn


9. Dear God,
my Grandpa says you were around
when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis


10. Dear God,
do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does?
Nathan


11. Dear God,
did you mean for giraffes
to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma


12. Dear God,
in bible times,
did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer


13. Dear God,
how come you did all those miracles
in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy


14. Dear God,
please send Dennis Clark
to a different summer camp this year.
Peter


15. Dear God,
maybe Cain and Abel
would not kill each other so much
if they each had their own rooms.
It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry


16. Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring,
but it never did come yet.
What's up? Don't forget.
Mark


17. Dear God,
my brother told me about
how you are born
but it just doesn't sound right.
What do you say?
Marsha


18. Dear God,
if you watch in Church on Sunday
I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara


19. Dear God,
is Reverend Coe a friend of yours,
or do you just know him through the business?
Donny


20. Dear God,
I do not think anybody
could be a better God than you.
Well, I just want you to know that.
I am not just saying that because
you are already God.
Charles


21. Dear God,
it is great the way you always
get the stars in the right place.
Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff


22. Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Really !!!!
Frank


23. Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset
you made on Tuesday night.
That was really cool.
Thomas