joke du jour May 31, 2006
06-08-2006, 06:31 PM
#21
APC co-founder
Joined APC: Feb 2005
Position: B777
Posts: 5,853
My girlfriend told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
06-09-2006, 08:55 AM
#22
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: Falcon 50EX- Left
Posts: 131
You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...
... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"
... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."
... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.
... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.
... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.
... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.
... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."
... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman.
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.
... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
... you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"
... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."
... she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck.
... you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon.
... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.
... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.
... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."
... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman.
06-09-2006, 07:29 PM
#23
Line Holder
Joined APC: May 2006
Posts: 62
Falcon Girl... I think I love you...
06-10-2006, 11:48 AM
#24
Da Man
Joined APC: Feb 2005
Position: DC-10 F/O
Posts: 436
Q: What does an airline pilot's wife do with her arsehole before she has sex?
A: Drops him off at the airport!
A: Drops him off at the airport!
06-11-2006, 09:36 AM
#25
Administrator
Thread Starter
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
Health Question and Answer Session
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
________________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
________________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
06-11-2006, 11:57 AM
#26
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: May 2005
Position: B777/CA retired
Posts: 1,482
What's the difference between God and a pilot?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
06-11-2006, 12:13 PM
#27
Administrator
Thread Starter
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying The nuns gathered
around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried to
give her some warm milk, but she initially refused. Then one of the nuns
took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey
received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank
a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the
whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before
you go to the Lord."
She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't
sell that cow."
around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried to
give her some warm milk, but she initially refused. Then one of the nuns
took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey
received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank
a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the
whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before
you go to the Lord."
She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't
sell that cow."
06-11-2006, 03:25 PM
#28
Administrator
Thread Starter
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
06-11-2006, 05:14 PM
#29
Guest
Posts: n/a
Friend of mine started flight training, he gets in the plane with an instructor, and after takeoff, the instructor informs him that he is an 8th degree blackbelt,and a homosexual and if the guy doesnt fess up some action than he has to jump out of the plane. I said " did you jump?"
he said, " a little at first"
he said, " a little at first"
06-11-2006, 07:06 PM
#30
Administrator
Thread Starter
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
What we're looking for ... and what's looking for us.
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