joke du jour May 31, 2006
06-11-2006, 07:52 PM
#31
Line Holder
Joined APC: Apr 2006
Posts: 38
So I get home from work the other night and my girlfriend was in the bedroom packing up her suitcases, so I asked her, "You going on a trip?"
She said, "No, I'm leaving you."
"Ok, WHY are you leaving me??"
"Because you're a pedophile," she replied.
"Pedophile! Wow. That's a pretty big word for a nine-year-old."
She said, "No, I'm leaving you."
"Ok, WHY are you leaving me??"
"Because you're a pedophile," she replied.
"Pedophile! Wow. That's a pretty big word for a nine-year-old."
06-11-2006, 09:58 PM
#32
Administrator
Thread Starter
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
dead man
Somebody put him out of his misery!
06-11-2006, 10:14 PM
#33
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: May 2005
Position: B777/CA retired
Posts: 1,483
What's the difference between a pilot and an Ape?
An Ape can leave his wife around other Apes.
An Ape can leave his wife around other Apes.
06-11-2006, 10:18 PM
#34
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Jan 2006
Position: 737 Captain
Posts: 777
Husband arrives home to find wife packing her suitcase. He casually asks her intentions and she explains that she just got off the phone to her girlfriend who lives in Vegas. Her friend explained that women can make $500 per night having sex in Vegas. Wife tells husband she has had enough of his sh$t and is moving to Vegas to live with her friend and to start making money in the sex trade. Her husband goes to the closet and grabs his own suitcase and starts to pack. She asks: "Where do you think you are going mister"? "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see for myself how you can live on $500 per year".
Last edited by calcapt; 06-13-2006 at 08:56 PM.
06-11-2006, 10:34 PM
#35
Administrator
Thread Starter
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
a real cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian.."
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian.."
06-12-2006, 09:23 PM
#36
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,151
Subject: Fw: Never argue with a woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
06-12-2006, 11:30 PM
#37
Guest
Posts: n/a
The Air Force wanted to encourage their higher ranking officers and chiefs to take an early retirement,so they came up with an idea, they would pay 10,000 per foot of body space to any of these folks who would take the early retirement.
The way that they were calculating was that they ask the candidate to choose from which part to start and which to stop. The first officer said from head to toe, and walked out with 60 grand. The next was a grizzled old chief, who told them to measure from the tip of his weenie to his test**les. They asked him to reconsider, as this was unwise.
He insisted.
So, a medical examinor was brought in and he was told "drop 'em"
The examinor got out his tape measure and started at the tip of his weenie, then he said "My God man, where are your test**cles!"
The old chief replied smugly, "Vietnam"
The way that they were calculating was that they ask the candidate to choose from which part to start and which to stop. The first officer said from head to toe, and walked out with 60 grand. The next was a grizzled old chief, who told them to measure from the tip of his weenie to his test**les. They asked him to reconsider, as this was unwise.
He insisted.
So, a medical examinor was brought in and he was told "drop 'em"
The examinor got out his tape measure and started at the tip of his weenie, then he said "My God man, where are your test**cles!"
The old chief replied smugly, "Vietnam"
06-13-2006, 08:31 AM
#38
Administrator
Thread Starter
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the
circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it says: "Polish Remover"
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the
circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it says: "Polish Remover"
06-13-2006, 03:11 PM
#39
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Mar 2006
Position: Lying Groaning in the Wreckage
Posts: 130
Q. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A. The jet engine stops whining after the plane shuts down.
---------
ObLawyerJoke:
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
A. The jet engine stops whining after the plane shuts down.
---------
ObLawyerJoke:
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
Last edited by Crashman; 06-13-2006 at 03:17 PM.
06-13-2006, 03:55 PM
#40
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Apr 2005
Position: Glass
Posts: 254
a guy is headed to an endocrinologist to see if he is capable of having a penile enlargement. he starts walking to the doctor and 1221 North Main St. and while enroute says, "hell, if some guy is going near frank and the boys, im gonna have a few drinks before hand". so he sits down, orders 8 beers and 8 shots (one for every inch)... completely hammered, he leaves the bar and starts walking to the doctor.. he comes to 2112 South Main Street and enters a Podiatrist's office.. he tells the receptionist he is there for the doctor and she tells him to wait in a room, get ready for the doctor, and that they'll be in shortly... the man goes in, gets stark naked, and passes out drunk.. ten minutes later, the female doctor comes in a screams, "AHHHHH, that's not a foot!!!!" Startled, the drunk man wakes up and says, "I didn't know there was a minimum"
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
