vagabond

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes training to become detectives. To
test their skills at recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a
picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him
fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well... uh...that's
because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and
says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The
policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only
one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is
that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, " This is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a
stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and
says, "Hmmmm,.the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting
answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get
back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

calcapt

Two good golfing friends were preparing to tee off on the first hole. Just as the the first of the two was getting ready to hit his drive, a funeral procession came by and the golfer stopped, took off his hat and stood respectfully silent until the procession had passed. As he was then preparing to get back to his game, his friend said: "you've never struck me as the sensitive kind, that was a very nice gesture of respect on your part - I'm impressed". "Thanks", came the reply - "it's the least I could do having been married to the woman for thirty two years".

animals

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a senior citizen.

vagabond

Queen Elizabeth of England is a human being.
An Australian Aborigine is a human being.
Therefore, Queen Elizabeth is an Australian Aborigine.

Light travels at 186,000 miles per second.
Feather is light.
Therefore, feather travels at 186,000 miles per second.

vagabond

Q: What is the difference between a law office and a cactus?
A: On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

hyflyt560

Q. What's the difference between puppies and pilots?
A. Puppies eventually grow up and stop whining.

Q. Why do Scots wear kilts?
A. Because sheep can hear zippers.

Cass

little 6 year old Tony was spending the day with Grandma.He was outside playing with some other kids when he came in with a question, " Grandma, what is it called when 2 people share a room and sleep on top of each?"
Grandma replies, "Sexual intercourse" Tony goes back outside, and returns a few moments later, " Grandma, you lied,its called bunkbeds and Johnys' mom wants to talk to you!!"

vagabond

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize
him?"

"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment."

So the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the guy shows him a prized
filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the
midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf, can I thee her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat,
pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I thould
rephrath that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?

Falcon Girl

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

vagabond

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to
keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of
take offs you make."
~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing
his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I
hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like
it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to
use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we
passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we
say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son,
"We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let
those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your
way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder
to find one.