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New Airline Policy

Old 08-02-2009, 04:53 AM
  #1  
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Position: In the Purple Haze
Posts: 321
Default New Airline Policy

For those of you who are blessed with a job... You can complain about the following

For those of you like myself, who are either underemployed or unemployed... You can look forward to the following


Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.
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Old 08-02-2009, 05:03 AM
  #2  
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LOL, great.
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Old 08-02-2009, 06:01 AM
  #3  
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That's funny!! Whale, you have a future in mgmt...
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Old 08-02-2009, 06:05 AM
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It's just part of the new management philosophy,

"We're not happy till you're not happy"
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Old 08-02-2009, 12:57 PM
  #5  
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Default Why I got out of Radio:

New Station Policies

Entirely too much time is being lost from station work due to people calling in sick, having babies, Etc. This will no longer be tolerated. This is radio not a department store. Here are the new guidelines for anyone that feels they are going to be absent from work at this radio station.

SICKNESS: (You) No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to the radio station and work.

SICKNESS: (Spouse) No excuse. Look at it this way, if your spouse was still single, they'd have to take care of themselves and we're sure they'd get along just fine. Having you to baby them while they are sick is a luxury this radio station can not afford.

SICKNESS: (Your Children) No excuse. We didn't tell you to have children. If we had, you could have the time off. Having children was your decision and we regard their sickness as a problem you will have to deal with. This comes under the heading of Personal Problem and is no reason to be allowed to miss work at the radio station.

DEATH: (Other Than Your Own): This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend to the arrangements of the funeral or whatever you people do when someone in your family croaks. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon hours, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of station work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence. This does not apply to air-talent. If the funeral is after your shift, and your production is done, no problem. Do not attend a funeral before your shift. We can not afford to have you bummed out on the air.

DEATH: (Your Own): This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a two week notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. You may be dead in two weeks but the radio station will be here long after you are gone and forgotten.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE: (For an Operation): We are no longer allowing this practice! We wish to discourage any thought that you may have about needing an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed at this radio station, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. It is also a violation of your contract.. those of you lucky enough to have one.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE: (For Pregnancy): Out of the question. If you will take the proper measures before sex this will not become a problem. Too many times we get someone trained and then they get pregnant. This costs the radio station money and is not acceptable. If you get pregnant you will be expected to work. We will allow you one day in which to have your baby. You must specify that day 2 weeks in advance. Once you have specified a date for the birth of your child, you MUST stick to it. No exceptions.

THE REST ROOM: Too much time is being spent in the Rest Room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going to the Rest Room in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with A will go from 8am to 8:05am, B will go from 8:05am to 8:10am, and so on. If you are unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the day when your turn comes again. Management realizes that some may view these policies as harsh but you have to understand that the radio station is not only a fun place to work, it's a business. Some say we have to stay lean and mean to win. It is the opinion of management that if we stay skinny and ****ed we'll do even better.

Have a good day.
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Old 08-05-2009, 11:11 PM
  #6  
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Haha superb!
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