New early pilot retirement program (just a joke)
 

Subject: Pilot Early Retirement Program
To: Pilot Employees
Date: Thursday, August 18, 2008, 12:45 PM




DEAR VALUED PILOT EMPLOYEE:



The airline industry is in a crisis. Its business model doesn't work with
the current price of fuel and the existing level of capacity in the
marketplace. We need to make changes in response.



While there have been several successful fare increases, those increases
haven't been sufficient to cover the rising cost of fuel. As fares increase,
fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to reduce our
capacity to match the reduced demand. As we reduce our capacity, we will
need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although these changes will be
painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's market to successfully
navigate these difficult times.



Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior pilots by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. Under this plan, senior pilots will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the new-hires who represent our future. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Pilots). Pilots who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED Pilots can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All pilots who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, a pilot may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.



If a pilot follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any pilot who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.


Thank You,

Your Management Team

Sounds pretty accurate, you sure its a joke?;)

Original Version (or close to it):

DEAR VALUED PILOT EMPLOYEE: The airline industry is in a crisis. Its business model doesn't work with the current price of fuel and the existing level of capacity in the marketplace. We need to make changes in response.

While there have been several successful fare increases, those increases haven't been sufficient to cover the rising cost of fuel. As fares increase, fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to reduce our capacity to match the reduced demand. As we reduce our capacity, we will need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although these changes will be painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's market to successfully navigate these difficult times.

Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior pilots by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. Under this plan, senior pilots will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the new-hires who represent our future. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Pilots). Pilots who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED Pilots can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All pilots who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, a pilot may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If a pilot follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any pilot who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger pilots who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training pilots through our: Special High Intensity Training ($#!T). We take pride in the amount of $#!T our pilots receive. We have given our pilots more $#!T than any company in this area. If any pilot feels they do not receive enough $#!T on the job, see your Chief Pilot. Your Chief Pilot is specially trained to make sure you receive all the $#!T you can handle.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.


Sincerely,

Management

wow thats great lol. That cracked me up.