Defecation on the Flight Deck
 

Well, I was flying with a guy the other day that damn near had an explosion in his pants. He had been complaining for about 20 minutes and he kept contemplating wether to call the FA's or not. Finally, after about two minutes of silence, his head snapped up and I could see him start to perspire. He gave me one of those " oh ****, this is happening now" looks. Immediately I called to the FA's and told them that "Mr. Clean" needed to relieve himself ASAP. The one FA then tells me, "um we're like in the middle of service so…." I say, "well if you don't make getting up front to assist in the lav break a priority, Mr. Clean will end up defecating in his pants". She knows that if this happens it will not be good for any of us and makes the Lav break a priority. Within 4-5 minutes they where at the front with the cart ready to assist Mr. Clean in his colon cleanse. Well, unfortunately Mr. Clean did not get everything down the crapper, it seems that on his way out of the cockpit, he made a bet he could not afford to lose. The poor bastard gambled with a fart and actually sharted in his shorts. I guess he got most of it cleaned up in the Lav but when he returned he was a little ****ed off and extremely embarrassed. I told him, not to worry, that **** happens, forget about it.
Anyone else have any stories about a time when someone crapped themselves on the FD??

I could not help but read this. You are a trooper for putting up with this one! Sorry, no uncontrolled bowel story to tell. Did sneeze on the glass once though. The radar outlook instantly changed from "clear blue and twenty-two", to light mist with an occasional booger.

Snorted out my diet coke at this one

"Stuff" does indeed happen, perhaps one should mind what and where he eats the night before. There are certain foods and beverages known to cause a rumble in the jungle, severe aggrivation of the abdomen or commonly known as a close encounter of the meat sweat kind. One must time the consumption of such foods and/or beverages at the optimal time to avoid a most unoptimal excretion of solids in liquid form.

Poor fella.

:D

I wonder what the consequences would be if a pilot, who was unable to hold it any longer, were to just kick the cockpit door open without the security of the cart and FA's? I could see a huge fine from the FAA and a pretty good suspension from the company. Thoughts?

Defecation on the Flight Deck
 

I had a guy **** his pants. Went out on medical shortly after.

It was the airport food, I bet. :D

Defecation on the Flight Deck
 

But he soon realized he was on a (audible gasp) Beech 1900

I had an FO who couldn't hold his urine in any longer. He hurt so bad on final approach he handed over the controls to me and then peed in the garbage bag on short final.

I think if I ever ended up crapping my pants at work, it would be the end for me. You would be reminded of that awful day for the rest of your miserable career. I bet people would constantly be trying to screw with you. No one would ever forget about the Capt/FO that crapped his pants. You would be forced to retire. I wonder if any 60+ year old United guys have to wear diapers/Depends yet.

Defecation on the Flight Deck
 

We had a poor soul at my last gig who had a sudden case of sushi related diarrhea on a Learjet 31 with 7 pax aboard. I think the story went that the pax held up their jackets to give him some privacy - and the pax had to go sit in a pilot seat (for lack of anywhere else to go) while he did his business.

(Shudder) I'd have had to quit, change my name, and move to Canada.

It happens. Thankfully, it is rare. I once handed the controls over to my copilot on final approach (sorry, FAA) and went to the back and flipped the leather jepp briefcase upside down, dumped the charts out, and then went in the chart case. Case went into the dumpster when we landed.

nice case, brand new. oh well...

had my copilot in a King air shutdown and run out of the airplane before the props even stopped spinning. Ran past the passengers and everything. Pretty sure he sharted on his way down the steps. worst part was the horrible farts every minute or so on the approach.

I hope you saved one of those useless paper charts to wipe with. As much as that might be painful. haha

Imagine the poor line guy or Wastemanagment guy who thought "oh look! Someone threw away a new leather case!, I want it!"

Six or seven years ago, an audio recording from an F-16D (two seat) was making the rounds.

They were part of a 2 v 2; all F-16s. Guy in the back seat of the Tub is telling the guy up front "I don't know if I'm going to make it..."

Well, he doesn't. I can't repeat the commentary that follows (or the radio exchanges with the Flight Lead; who was the Squadron Commander!) due to TOS on APC, but suffice to say, it's priceless.

You can probably find it on youtube.