vagabond

Ok, this is the contribution of which I spoke in another thread.

Two Polish hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt
moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return
trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Polocks objected strongly. "Last year we shot six moose and the
pilot let us put them all on board ; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even
on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanley asked Wally "Any idea where we are?"

Wally replied "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Cass

HAHAHA!!!!!
You know that is loosely based on a true story with a Caravan in Alaska.
Only it was 2 Moose strapped to the floats!
Good show!

Cass

Heres one for ya,
Hung Chow calls in to the little Chinese food place that he works and says " I no come work today, I hav stumuk problem and head ache"
His boss says " Hung Chow, I really need you today, when I have such problems, I go to my wife for s*x and then I am all better"
2 hours later Hung Chow arrives at work, exhuberant,
" I am much betta now" he says," Hey, you hav nice house!"

Cass

Here is another.
A pax plane is going down.
A female pax stands up and says emphatically"If I am going to die, I want someone to make me feel like a woman!"
A male pax stands up, takes off his shirt and says " Here, iron this"

HSLD

This is off topic for the thread, but this release involves a friend of mine in Anchorage. Years ago we would have written a folk song about him (ala Davey Crockett) for taking down a Moose with a pellet gun. These days you get a ticket!

Location: Anchorage
Case number: 06-0099XX
Type: Take Moose Closed Season
Text: On March 24, 2006, <Name Removed> of Anchorage was cited by
State Troopers from the Bureau of Wildlife Enforcement for taking a
moose during a closed season. On January 31, 2006, <Name> shot and
killed a moose with a pellet gun. Arraignment is set for Anchorage
District Court on April 20, 2006.
Author: KJB0
Received and posted Tuesday, March 28, 2006 9:07 AMThe

story is: he was trying to get young bull out of his yard and wanted to shoo it away with a pellet and one pump of the pellet gun. He hit it in the eye/brain and the thing dropped like a sack of flour.

WatchThis!

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts". She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You ba**trd! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t, it's started."

calcapt

A United Captain returning home to a yard covered in snow is surprised and more than a little offended to find that someone had wizzed in the snow the words "captain Bob sucks". He is so mad that he calls a detective and insists on finding the guilty party. The forensics lab gets involved to solve the mystery. Days later the detective calls captain Bob and informs him that two arrests have been made - his neighbor, a Continental Pilot and his own wife. "I can understand that no-good Continental guy doing this but my wife - how is she involved and why was she arrested"? "Well captain Bob, although the urine matched only your neighbor's DNA, the forensics lab determined it was your wife's handwriting".

tomgoodman

A pilot was searching in the refrigerator and called to his wife: "Honey, where's the barbeque sauce?" She replied: "I don't understand how you can find Buffalo at night in a blizzard, but you can't find the barbeque sauce." He said: "That's because nobody MOVED Buffalo!"

Skygirl

In the same vein...someone sent me this one today at work.

Man of the House...


The husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From
now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is law! You will prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and
we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that,
you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The 'f*ckin' Funeral Director
would be my guess."

Cass

Why women should avoid a girls night out after marriage.
I was invited out with the girls the other night. My husband asked me to be home by midnight.
Well, I was having too much fun and too many cocktails and pretty soon it was 3 am.
Sh*t!!!!
So I went home, pretty loaded, went in the side door, creeping along like a mouse. Hah! I thought, Ill sneak into bed and tell him that I was just up going to the bathroom.
Just then, the cuckoo clock went off, sh*t I thought, he'll wake up! So I cuckood 9 times imediately after the cuckoo stopped.( enen in my hammered state, I was able to deduce the simple thought that 3 cuckoos plus 9 equals 12 cuckoos, Midnight!
Very pleased with myself indeed, I snuck into bed **********
The next morning at breakfast my husband asked me what time I returned home the previous night. I told him Midnight, he didnt say anything and I thought , "great!, I got away with it!!!!"
He then said that we needed to buy a new cuckoo ( ????? )
I said ,"why?"
He said, " well, last night at 3 am it cuckood 3 times, then it said oh sh*t,
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckood 3 more times, giggled, cuckood twice more, then it tripped over the coffee table and f*rted".