11-08-2022Memo
To: All middle management personnel
From: Upper management
Subject: New and improved individual workstations
Attention all middle managers. We are happy to announce that the company will be taking delivery of brand new desks, desk chairs, and cubicle partitions beginning next year. We are excited about the increased efficiency these new workstations will provide to our valued employees, and the improvement we'll all experience in our workplace environment.
The new mahogany desks are 20% larger than current models, allowing for greater organization, storage, and paper pushing ability. The chairs we have ordered offer excellent lumbar support, asscushoining, and have been shown to reduce fatigue by at least 15%! And the new cubicle partitions will be more aesthetically pleasing, emotionally calming, and will simulate the aura of a larger space - almost feeling like a "real office."
The only caveat we unfortunately have to disclose is that all middle managers will be required to accept a 10 year pay freeze, reduction in vacation, adjustment to sick time, and removal of profit sharing in order for the company to allocate the new workstations to this branch. If middle management collectively refuses the above conditions, we will unfortunately be forced to assign the new equipment to our other branch.
Hopefully you all have heard the great news about the nearly $2 billion profit we raked in last year, and we'd like to personally thank each and every one of you for the hard work you put in every day at the office. Again, thanks for the professionalism, and hopefully we can reach an agreement next week. Hope everyone has a great holiday!
Sincerely,
Functioning Sociopaths/Psychopaths Anonymous
AIRLINEPILOT CENTRAL
