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How Are We To Measure Ourselves as Pilots

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How Are We To Measure Ourselves as Pilots

Old 02-06-2013, 02:32 PM
  #1  
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Joined APC: Mar 2012
Position: 767 F/O
Posts: 303
Default How Are We To Measure Ourselves as Pilots

1. Greyest, oldest shirt.
2. Shiniest, most often ironed pants.
3. Biggest gut.
4. Highest number of ex wives.
5. Highest mileage piece of crap airport car.
6. Highest bar tab at a cheap bar!
7. Coolest motorhome at the end of LAX 25L.
8. Slowest drawl.
9. Dorkiest Cowboy boots. Off, to display dirty white socks at cruise.
10. Nastiest spit cup / breath.
11. Most, gag a maggot, over cologned.
12. Highest number of stalker, ex-GF FA's.
13. Highest number of estranged kids.
14. Highest number of outside of flying jobs / businesses.
15. Biggest watch.
16. Largest post count at fringe, lunatic, right-wing web sites.
17. Most creative way of dodging tax and / or alimony obligations.
18. Loudest Harley.
19. Ugliest Boat.
20. Longest, gnarliest eyebrows.
21. Highest number of well deserved smack-downs by the Flight Office
22. Highest number of "avoid flying with" on PBS.
23. Highest number of FSAPs submitted by F/O's.
24. Lowest number of F/O beers purchased per annum.
25. Dorkiest ball cap, worn IN TERMINAL, especially behind the podium!
26. Biggest, cheapest hearing aid on market.
27. Most pairs of white shoes.
28. Most pairs of sans-a-belt pants.
29. Most pathetic vanity plates.
30. Most appearances on flight attendants' most hated list.
26. Dirtiest tie (looks like you could make soup if you boiled it)
27. Most pictures of ugly boat.
28. Most pictures of money pit airplane
29. Least shined shoes
30. Most shined shoes
31. Most stickers on the flight bag
32. Lowest running avg sick bank total.
33. Most visits to CLR "charm school."
34. Number of bags attached to your suitcase.
35. Most number crewmeals expensed
36. Number of $ bills borrowed for tip money, and never repaid.
37. Number of hours/minutes you can go without talking smack about this crap career in the cockpit.
38. Highest number of personal bankruptcy filings.
39. Most sick calls in a year
40. Most worthless ******* brought back from China to give people as a reminder that he "flies the big jets to Asia."
41. Most copies of Boating magazine even when they don't have a pot to **** in.
42. Most idiotic demands in restaurants where they have no idea what the f you are talking about because it's a "texas" thing.
43. The number of times a crackhead, tool capt tells you to ask a really stupid question over the radio.
44. The number of times you can say "guppy" in one flight.
45. The number of legs the "lithium liner" will fly in the next six months.
46. The number of times Mr. Flibs will say "game changer" in the next six months.
47. The number of times you wear your uniform pants and/or shoes out to dinner
49. The number of slick ties you see in a day.
50. The number of times you hear, "good morning captain, do we have a problem?"
51. The number of times you will hear, "it's legal and safe."
52. Be a fuel Nazi.
53. Single engine taxi between the east gates and runway 17R in DEN.
54. Bisch about money and being broke for the first two days. Show pictures of new boat, Harley and airplane for the remainder of the trip.
55. Descend at 250 KIAS from FL390 to 10,000 because that is what CI 12 gives you!
56. Descend at best L/D because it saves fuel. Skrew everybody behind you!
57. Complain about women and how you just don't get them, bisch about your 3 ex wives and your disrespectful children who hate you. Then alienate and **** off your crew, gate agents, passengers, office folks and anybody else who comes into vocal range of you every chance you get.
58. Wear your huge blue AFA ring brag about the superiority of AF training. Then talk about your 8 glorious and danger filled years keeping America safe while teaching in the T-37 down in the valley.
59. Brag about getting hired as an intern and the tremendous amount of experience you gained flight instructing for 6 months after college before coming to UAL.
60. Always take first choice on meals.
61. Make sure and talk about the NWO, the Illuminati, Religion and politics on every segment.
62. Takes all the outstation landings saying you're getting a good variety of landings because "you're flying into more than one hub."
63. Places hand on gear and flaps before you call for it and before it supposed to be called for.
64. Uses techniques when he's flying then wants you to use his techniques when you're flying.
65. Holds the speedbrake lever down at weight on wheels on your landing without briefing it saying he's just trying to give you a smooth landing (that happened only once).
66. Cleared for visual 15 miles out on a dogleg and dials in FAF altitude and hits level change even though it takes you 700 feet below the MSA.
67. Harshly briefs the current FAs about an FA last year who sat on and broke his computer--because he puts it on the jump seat.
68. On second day of #67's trip complains that FAs never call to see if we need anything.
69. Hits the EXEC button more times on your leg than you do. On his leg emphasizes the distinctions between PF and PM.
70a. On your leg pushes the throttles up to near T/O thrust before saying you've got the aircraft.
70b. On your leg pushes the throttles up to near T/O thrust then hits TOGA and does the T/O. At cruise wonders why the F/D "MA" light is on your side.
71. Never crashed when he did all the flows as an FO so, superstitiously, does all the FO flows as a CA to make sure he keeps his streak alive.
72. As PM at TOC takes his "rest break" until TOD so IRO can do all the paperwork and comm. On return leg his PM FO does the same.
73. Wonders why you upgraded just to be on reserve when you had such a great QOL as a senior FO.
74. Will hear a chief pilot saying..."well, i guess if we can trust you with multi-million dollar aircraft, i guess we can trust you with cleaning receipts." Good gawd!
75. "Don't you want to be in VNAV?"
76. "I had a good reason to cross the picket line."
77. Banks the plane on departure to show you an empty new prison where the government will put us after they take away our guns.
78. Spends the entire flight talking about Jesus.
79. Briefs that when it's your leg it's your airplane fly it the way you want. Spends every moment of your leg instructing you on the "right" way to do things.
80. Make every crosswind landing in a crab, a full crab.
81. Constantly marvels that "I can't believe they pay us to do this."
82. Starts off brief with "I am very laid back and I have very thick skin".
83. Briefs every possible thing that could happen from the gate to the arrival runway to the most minute detail and then wonders why you stopped listening after the first 6 minutes.
84. (When we did it)... Watches the plane taxi into the gate and after our push back wants you to redo the control wheel check of the ailerons again so he can check the movement out his window.
85. Wants to know if you can hang in the lav a little longer so he can burn one on the red eye.
86. Starts to brief the arrival, approach, and runway turnoff at TOC and you are flying EWR-SFO.
87. Keeps talking to you after you begin reading the newspaper in hopes that will shut him up.
88. Makes you (doesn't ask or offer to do this himself) put your overnight bag in the back so that if we have a last minute jumpseater, there will be a place for his bag.
89. Talks on his phone while taxing the aircraft and surprised when he misses a turn.
90. Shows up early, does nothing in the cockpit, gets up to go get food before departure, plops back in his seat 5 prior to push, asks if everything is done and asks for preflight checklist.
91. Briefs and bugs a full ILS with DA when you are looking at the airport from 100 miles out.
92. Cranks instrument lights full bright when you are landing at night.
93. Has speaker so loud, ear cheese plug is necessary to prevent hearing loss.
94. Farts constantly and acts as though the cockpit always has that colo-rectal bouquet. (I KNOW when my beeper goes off...who is he kidding?)
95. Gets PO'd at 10,000' on a smooth as glass redeye when I wind the IAS knob up.
96. Tells you how rough he had it during his 2 years and 3 months as an F/O.
97. Tells you that your 15,000 hours PIC in the regional's means nothing because, "You haven't flown IN COMBAT!" Then you find out he never has either. Clueless in Seattle.
98. Hangs all over your girlfriend / wife when she joins you on a long, decent layover.
99. Hangs out at the podium and then in first class handing out his Captain Johnny Wad cards while you do everything, then wants YOU to rush through crap so he can haul a$$ and single engine taxi WHILE the company is taking you to court and your contract is 4 years overdue. Clueless in Dulles.
100. Blissfully looks the other way while taking it up the poop chute from Mother U but then wants to GIVE EVEN MORE at every opportunity. His chute is pre-lubed! Why, he's MARVIN MOONSHOT!
101. Eats sardines in the cockpit and pours the scraps in the trashbag.
102. Hangs his stinking workout clothes in the cockpit to dry out....really
105. cAPT is astonished when I asked him not to use my name over the PA.
106. While in cruise approaching thunderstorms, cAPT turns to you and asks "are you ready for my thunderstorm avoidance briefing?"
107. cAPT makes PA at departure gate informing the pax that he will get a "passenger behavior report" from the flight attendants approaching destination. For those pax who receive a favorable report, cAPT will give each his personal autograph on his United business card. At destination, chowdah head passes out cards to pax as they are deplaning. Jetway is littered with wadded cards.
108. "I'm happy with the money I'm making now" ... circa 2011 by a sUAL 767cAPT speaking of C03 bankruptcy wages eroded by 22% inflation.
109. "If you don't like being on reserve, you shouldn't have bid the equipment." says a mensa candidate cAPT to his Airbus F/O who is in the bottom 5% of the system seniority list.
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Old 02-06-2013, 03:12 PM
  #2  
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That was awesome.
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Old 02-06-2013, 03:16 PM
  #3  
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I can only take credit for about 7 of those gems; lots of people contributed.
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Old 02-06-2013, 03:27 PM
  #4  
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If the capt is talking on his cell phone while taxiing you should apply the brakes, come to a stop and wait there until he turns it off.
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Old 02-06-2013, 07:09 PM
  #5  
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67. Harshly briefs the current FAs about an FA last year who sat on and broke his computer--because he puts it on the jump seat.
Guilty. But that fat ***** shouldn't sit on luggage.
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:24 AM
  #6  
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110. "You gonna eat that"?
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:27 AM
  #7  
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111. Accomplishments compared to TM
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Old 02-07-2013, 05:47 AM
  #8  
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Accomplishments compared to TM
HUH?
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Old 02-08-2013, 12:18 PM
  #9  
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92. Drives me up the ******* wall.

Great List its incredible the same guys are at every airline
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Old 02-08-2013, 12:44 PM
  #10  
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Best thread ever in the history of aviation bulletin boards.
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