I hear a lot of "Oh I was so wonderful and yet I did not get what I deserved" in this speech. Try again. You are apparently not all that wonderful and you did get what you deserved. You need to recognize that it was you alone who put you where you are now. You will also be the only one who can fix your problems, although it is always fine to ask for help as you are doing. Many of us make poor choices along the way and we admit them and get to making a solution. You made a few ill choices apparently. Start dealing with the issues you face, set some practical goals, be nice to yourself in the process, and start working on a new plan. Recognizing the problem is half of the solution. Let us know how it's going.