In cruise ...

CA: "Who do you know that got you hired here? I can't even get my son an interview. What bull****!"

Upon meeting the CA for the first time while doing my preflight in the cockpit:

CA: "Hi I'm John, a former Marine F-18 pilot. I'm also a genius with a 142 IQ so nothing gets past me."

Me: "Nice to meet you John." (I'm thinking its going to be a very very long 4-day trip"

CA: "Call maintenance, these damn flight directors aren't working!"

Me: (I reach over and turn the flight director switches to ON) "Nothing gets past you huh?

While taxiing behind Southwest:

CA: "There's nooooo way Southwest pilots make more than us!"

While doing a pre-flight with "Suzy" the FA standing in the cockpit doorway greeting passengers:

CA: (loud enough for passengers to hear) "Yeah I ..... Suzy on a layover once. We go way back. Hot piece of ......"

Suzy: (turns around nervously laughing)

Me: (total surprise on my face)

CA: "Yeah we were on a layover in Miami and she ...."

Me: "Dude stop ... just stop"

Suzy: (Closes the cockpit door)

CA: "What?"