Alright, first of all, I was flying today on a white slip. I got a call early this morning for an inverse assignment, I promptly got on the computer and put in for a white slip for that same trip because I'm not here to gouge. I fly on straight pay because productivity and profitability go hand in hand for me and I'm not out to take advantage of the adverse situation created by the inability of our pilots to fly more straight time on weekends. Enough said.

It takes me 45 minutes to get to the airport, I sped and got there in 40. I parked in short term parking so I wouldn't sign in late. I arrived in the crew room 25 minutes prior to show. So it's good I did that short term parking, on my own dime btw, because it can take the employee buses 40 minutes.

I walked to the gate and waited for my crew and my jet. The airplane arrived 50 prior to push. When the door opened I was standing there at the door behind the gate agent. As the agent made their welcome to Atlanta PA I walked on board and told the crew, hey, I am here, I'll take responsibility for the jet and asked for the logbook so I could review it. I got my preliminary first walk around out of the way and hooked up the air myself. The crew had failed to shut down the APU so I walked back up to the cockpit, around the FO saying good bye, and shut the APU down. That saved a lot of money.

By the time the Captain got there, 40 to show, everything was done. I had excused the previous crew, pushed 4 wheel chairs, escorted 4 unaccompanied minors, set up the box and did all the first flight checks. I asked the Captain, did you do a gate house PA? He said no. I was perturbed.

I went up to the gate house and did a great PA which of course was a great way to start the trip. I went 3 for 3 on greaser takeoffs and landings, flew VNAV to the marker every time, made every position report, saved the company 2,300 lbs combined on all three legs I flew on fuel (can't say much about the other guy), made 3 ASAPs to identify issues I saw on the line, got my TCI comment in the inrange every time on time justl ike I was hitting the window, made 6 great gate house PAs, corrected the Captain on his techniques that were not on par or up to date with the latest Memos/FCTM/FCBs/VOL1 to include push back calls and turning off seat belt sign calls, I also talked to each every one of our Gold Medallion members, and I'll stop there. I don't want to brag.

But let me tell you about my gate house PA. First, know your audience. Stand so that they can see you. Have the hat and coat on, like I do, even if it's summer. Pay attention, this is how these PAs are done:



And then I came here to help each pilot understand sicks calls are only for when you're hospitalized, that commuting is a choice, that forcing the company to pay for your move because your base closed is a choice you should never ever make and I help Purple and Carl see the error in their ways. I combated all their misunderstandings of the importance of a close working positive relationship between the unnecessary pilots union and the company. It's a marriage, no different then one you see every week on Big Love. We play the older wife who sets the tone on how the other wives act.

And how should a good wife, i.e. union, act? Well:

• HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way to let him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned with his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and having a good meal ready is part of the warm welcome that is needed.
• PREPARE YOURSELF: Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. Greet him with a smile. Also, work out. Run about 4 miles a day. Get the boobs up, buttocks rounded and if there is something you can't fix with a minimal diet and max work out then go under the knife. And make sure your thigh gap is large.
• GIVE IT UP. Enough said. Initiate. Ask him if there was anything on the internet, or that the other wives do, or that his secretary does on the side, that he'd like you to do? Be open to new ideas or bedroom opportunities.
• CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip though the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up children's books and toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you lift too.
• PREPARE THE CHILDREN: If they are small, wash their hands and faces and comb their hair. They are his little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. And if they question their father, make sure you give them hell and explain to them that according to your best ever lawyer their father is right and there is nothing you can do about it and you'll get em' next time.
• MINIMIZE ALL NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise from the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. If the children don't listen, send them PMs and call your friends to help shut them up. If they have a computer with an excel spreadsheet, take it from them.
• SOME "DO NOT'S": Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem compared to what he might have gone through that day.
• MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
• SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. If he says something and you know it's wrong, figure out a way to make what he said true and right. Make sure you provide him an environment where he feels to express any "new ideas" or what is sometimes referred to as "bedroom opportunities".
• MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he doesn't take you to dinner or to other entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to unwind and relax. If he wants to go to Applebees to meet up with the boys, say yes. And wait patiently for him to get home because he might have some new ideas about some bedroom opportunities.
• THE GOAL: TO MAKE YOUR HOME A PLACE OF PEACE AND ORDER WHERE YOUR HUSBAND CAN RELAX IN BODY AND SPIRIT. And be open to new ideas about bedroom opportunities.