TEACHER ARRESTED AT JFK

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al Ge'bra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al Ge'bra is a problem for us,' the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y," and refer to themselves as "unknowns." We have detrrmined that they belong to a common denominator of the Axis of the medieval Absyssa, with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles said, "There are three sides to every triangle."

The Attorney General went on to say "Teaching our children sentinent thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous, and puts our government at risk."