I know why tsquare needs a new screen name. He found a cocktail waitress on Match.com. She was going to blow him off like they usually do, but he kept bragging about how much money he makes. She did a Google search, and found he would be gone more than half the time, so she bit the bullet and chased the money.

Two weeks later, they were married. Two months later, she wanted out. She was sick of him wearing his Delta hat when mowing the lawn and sitting on the throne; tired of being berated when there weren't any Milano cookies left in his snack basket, and totally over being made to a walkaround every time they drove somewhere.

She found the best divorce attorney she could find. Tsquare went cheap (imagine that) and hired a lawyer with 10 teeth. During the proceedings, she was asked to describe their sex lives. She said, "fast, compulsory, and unfulfilling." To the same question, tsquare responsed, "expeditious and economical."

Long story short, she took him to the cleaners. She got his best moonshine still, his coonskin cap collection, and his most prized possession: his "tsquare" screen name.

That's probably why he's even more of an antisocial misanthrope as Bender Rodriguez...and explains his contract wants, too.