Some helpful takeaways from this thread:

1) Pilot customer engagement = pedophilia. Never give out wings unless hermetic barrier exists between you and kids. And don’t even think about giving “Billy” that airplane model!
2) The PA button needs to be soldered off. I hereby pledge to put away my old JetTrivia maps permanently no matter how badly I want to tell the pax about Niagara Falls at 2am.
3) John Wayne movies make excellent instructional guides when dealing with recalcitrant FAs (and kids).

Did I miss anything?