Talk loudly about exactly how much money you’ve earned in front of your coworkers. Especially the FA’s. They love hearing how wealthy you are and are truly pleased for you. ***** loudly about how unfair it is that you only get 30K in profit sharing, while multiple half-wingers are listening. They’ll be amazed that such emotionally intelligent leaders are their coworkers. They’ll buy you your beer, just to learn your other pearls of wisdom.

Tell the FO you’re totally laid back. Then get nervous when they haven’t called for the next flaps yet. Mentor them by putting your chubby fist on the flap handle to remind them - they’ve obviously forgotten and need your expertise.

When you get lucky and actually do something right and your flying partner compliments you? Dismissively chortle: “This ain’t my first rodeo.”

Make up non-standard responses to the checklist so that your FO is totally disrupted. Only lesser pilots read the responses as written like they’re supposed to. You know better.

Tell your FO how being in the military meant you had no idea what a picket line meant.

Make homophobic comments to your gay FO about the FA’s. Go home and ***** to your wife the guy or girl you just flew with ”...sure wasn’t very talkative!” I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

Make sure you throw some asshat comment into the conversation early about how you “Came to Jesus.” because we all are so curious about your personal belief system. It’s not enough egotism that the being who created the universe has a personal relationship with you. Nope, you’ve gotta share that with the rest of us so there’s no confusion about your amazing self-centered piousness.

Don’t read any of the FM revisions and then ask your FO why they’re screwing stuff up. When they bring the change to your attention, blame the company for your ignorance.

I could go on but that’s enough.