I’m a main line pilot on the phone with his daughter:

“Check in 24hrs before and get to the airport two hours prior? Not in this family! You’re a ZippenBye, we cut it down to the wire because we know better than everyone else. They aren’t even a real airline with breadsticks, I mean none of their pilots even own a Miata for chrissakes!

There there princess… I know getting up there on the reg is crucial to bagging a doctor and getting you off my dole, but sending you on a real airline like mine might mean shelling out another hundred bucks and suffering the indignity of a stop in MSP like some ******* Mogadishu refugee. Nooo I’m sure he won’t end up shagging some Windy City hussy if you miss the flight. Princess, stop crying… Pumkin…

Wait, did you tell them that your father flys for- oh you did.. uh how about informing them about the sh*t they are currently full of? Uh Huh, that did the trick? Got on the flight, great.. I’m telling you these people don’t know- What, MIDDLE GODDAM SEAT?? You gotta be foookin sh*tting me.. No daughter of mine, those rat bastard yellow plane driving asshats, oh that’s it. That is IT.

Don’t you worry, Daddy’s about to write a strongly worded letter on APC. No, they will definitely give a sh*t, probably have an apology phone call from a chief pilot by the time you land in ORD. Ok I’m going to get back to sniffing my own farts now, fly safe, love you too princess.”