View Single Post
Old 12-08-2022, 10:39 PM
  #3  
JohnBurke
Disinterested Third Party
 
Joined APC: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,926
Default

Hi, I'm bob, and I'll be your copilot. I'm working from home today, where it's a balmy seventy four degrees as I watch Law and Order with my dog Henry. I'd like to welcome you aboard today, please sit where ever your ticket tells you and buckle in. Our flying time will be twelve hours and thirty six minutes over the tallest mountains on earth, one cyclone, shark-infested waters, three countries at war, and six active volcanos, and we do expect some light turbulence from time to time, plus some really nasty ****, so we do ask that you buckle in when you're not oh, ho, ha, that Jack McCoy. I tell ya. Ah, so buckle in and have a nice trip and remember, punching your fellow passenger isn't nice and is a federal offense. Your captain today is Bill, the harried-looking bald guy up front who had a full head of hair until we began working half the crew from home and on, stand by, one of my other flights is calling...

You what? Don't you have a checklist or something, my god, oh ****, well, does your wife know? No kidding, that's ah, oh, wait. Wrong button.

So folks, sorry, that was another flight, not you guys. Not Flight 806. You guys are okay, ah, no. What? Which flight is this? Oh, hell, sorry Frank. Did you find that checklist yet? No, not the red button, that's the shop-vac powered lav seat, you don't want to push that and oh. You pushed it. You're in a lot of trouble. Can you standby, my Cleveland trip is waiting to push back. Back in a tic.

Hey, folks, welcome to Flight 119 from Cleveland to what? Well who is this? Where is my ******* Cleveland flight? You're where? Can you hold on, I'm almost to a commercial break. Hey, look man, I have to get up and go to the restroom too, and unlike you, only get the commercial breaks to do that so wait. Can you hold on? Cleveland? Yeah, it's me, Bob. Your copilot. That's right. Are you ready, or what? Just do a checklist or something and, damn it, I missed it. No, they just arrested someone, but I missed an important part. It's okay, I taped it. So get those checklists done, and happy trails, call me if you have a problem. Henry says 'hi.'

Dispatch? Yeah, bob. I'm gonna call fatigue here, yeah, my foot's falling asleep, been propped on the sofa for a half hour and I'm out of pretzels. Look, I'm meeting my mother in law in twenty minutes anyway, so yeah, get someone else to cover the Cleveland flight and I'll take the volcano one on my cell. Thanks. You're a peach.

Anyway folks, bob, back with you, and where were we? I'd like to take this time to tell you about an exciting credit offer and if you sign up now, we'll add forty thousand free miles to your card, just for flying with us today. How 'bout them apples, folks? Kick back, sit down, shut up, buckle in, and have a nice flight and if you need me, hit the little green button over your seat. Please leave your name, altitude, flight number, and last known heading at the sound of the beep, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. I'll be here all week. Thanks for flying the reduced-pilot friendly skies.
JohnBurke is offline