1. Hop around in your seat like an excited Jack Russel terrier, constantly urging expediency to other employees.

2. Get out there every flight and put on a show in the aisle for the people. You’re brave, smart, and basically Maverick from Top Gun. Remember, this is theater, not professional aviation.

3. Often remove fuel because your tugboat instincts just know it’s excessive and this will totally increase your profit sharing check.

4. Only start the second engine with enough time to enter the runway right at minimum stabilization time. The company is watching and your eventual merit badge award ceremony day will surely come to fruition. It doesn’t matter how busy that makes the FO, you’re the star of this show.

5. Talk to agents, ramp, van drivers, and hotel desks as if they’re lazy and beneath you.

6. Use the left seat as your personal lectern to regale the FO on new invented grievances from your favorite social media or news network. Starting off with something like, “We homeschool our kids because they let kids be cats in public school” commands respect and assures everyone you’re definitely not a gullible moron terrified of society.

7. If you were in the military make sure everyone knows. You need at least a lanyard, three bag tags, and perhaps a plane pin advertising this to ensure you’re noticed and thanked for your service.

8. If you were at SkyWest make sure you proudly announce you did “the Aspen flying” as this lets the FO know you’re the left hand of god and have magic blood.

9. Just be a normal functioning adult in the workplace, don’t do 1-8, and make safe decisions. Have fun!