Originally Posted by
L8Z8
1. Hop around in your seat like an excited Jack Russel terrier, constantly urging expediency to other employees.
2. Get out there every flight and put on a show in the aisle for the people. You’re brave, smart, and basically Maverick from Top Gun. Remember, this is theater, not professional aviation.
3. Often remove fuel because your tugboat instincts just know it’s excessive and this will totally increase your profit sharing check.
4. Only start the second engine with enough time to enter the runway right at minimum stabilization time. The company is watching and your eventual merit badge award ceremony day will surely come to fruition. It doesn’t matter how busy that makes the FO, you’re the star of this show.
5. Talk to agents, ramp, van drivers, and hotel desks as if they’re lazy and beneath you.
6. Use the left seat as your personal lectern to regale the FO on new invented grievances from your favorite social media or news network. Starting off with something like, “We homeschool our kids because they let kids be cats in public school” commands respect and assures everyone you’re definitely not a gullible moron terrified of society.
7. If you were in the military make sure everyone knows. You need at least a lanyard, three bag tags, and perhaps a plane pin advertising this to ensure you’re noticed and thanked for your service.
8. If you were at SkyWest make sure you proudly announce you did “the Aspen flying” as this lets the FO know you’re the left hand of god and have magic blood.
We’re getting there. The HPI needs to be revamped to look for the above, as well as the below personality profile(
You see, I am captain. Not A captain. Just Captain. I had my name changed before upgrade. Consequently I had to change my middle and last name too. My middle name is now "is" and my last name is f@!$nawsm. Call me Mr. Captain f!@&nawsm. Now, if I could fit 16 stripes of my epilates I would. One for every FO I had to take the controls from at 2000ft because they deviated from the ATC directed speed by equal to or greater than 2 knots. Hey, rules are rules. And in Captain f$&@!nawsm’s airplane, that chit don't fly. Literaly. And when I say "my airplane" I mean exactly that. I put an "inop" sticker over the banks name on the registration card with my name so there is no confusion who's aircraft it is. You can't argue with that piece of paper, and if you do, you are a terrorist and I will exersize my captain's autority as well as my FFDO authority and remove the "threat" to my position of power. And by "remove" I mean take over and fly single-pilot. In other words, nothing really changes. Now, I don't have a problem leaving my ego at the door when I get on my Airbua. Hell, I have no choice as my ego is too big to fit through the door. Litteraly, I have tried. I am forced to vallet it along with my massive balls in the cargo hold, and that is still a tight fit. Luckly for me, I can check on them periodically in flight throught the peep hole in the lav while I re-spike my hair and iron my blazer and hat. I digress. My point is, if I am foced back into the right seat, I am still the captain. I will NOT let go of the thrust levers on the roll, I will call for ALL the checklists, I will make 7 minute "welcome" anouncements and I will still say "clear left". The right side is not my problem. And I still get to taxi. It's a long reach from the right seat, but it can be done......at least on flight sim. So, send me back to the right seat if you will, but you can NOT send my ego back to the right seat! Ok, have to go. Somewhere, and FO is trying to make a desision on his own. Captain awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy..........hey mom, can I borrow the station wagon. and have you seen my hat?