Originally Posted by Setopbug

Nothing better than good satire.

Wear your cowboy boots so we can all know who you are. The bigger the heels, the better.

Remember, CRM is not a democracy. Ask the FO what they think and about halfway through their comment, do what you were going to do anyway. After, all, you're the Captain.

Tankering? I don't care Mister, I said we're adding 2,000 pounds!

On the short legs, make your FO do PM and PF while you write two hundred word calligraphy on your business card that our first class customers are just going to toss in the trash because they're too addled on booze and sleeping pills to read a stop sign. Getting your name in the Flight Ops Update is your career goal.

Look up the reasonably good-looking global services lady in first. airdrop her pictures of your junk. Rename your device after your FO before taking that irrevocable step.

Make sure you've got a no-**** lumberjack axe in your trunk. You know, just in case.

Argue with the ground controller when you don't get your way. Those punks better know who's in charge.

Take of your shoes. Use your socks to clean the PFD's, ND's. (Not making that up, BTW. Way to go, Ernie, you freak)

Respond to all traffic point outs with "Tally" or "No Joy" Bonus points if you weren't in the military.

Don't go a single leg as PM without saying "Not how I'd do it."

When reaching the speed limit for the next flap setting, put your hand on the flap handle so the FO knows it's OK to call for the flaps.

Tell us all how you feel about transgender employees. You're so smart you should write a book.