I’m not sure if you mean this light heartedly. If so, probably not the right topic… we loose too many every day.

If you are serious, reach out to counseling help. There are a lot of resources. I promise people care about you.

After all that, to answer to your question is no since the beneficiary can’t be the insured person. I lost a friend (DL FO) 2 years ago to suicide. His parents were the beneficiaries. They got the benefit, but they would much rather to have him still alive.