Dear God:
Dear God,
Whats up?
Yeah, I know.
You're ****ed.....
...about rising violent crime, teenage pregnancy, fifty-plus-percent divorce rate, third world country starvation....
Sorry.
We're working on it. I could give you my opinions on how to address some of these issues, but that'd be like me trying to walk Captain Haynes through the proper way to land a DC-10.
Theres this dude named Bill Gates who's addressing the starvation and disease issues. And did you hear? Theres a new vaccine that will significantly reduce the incidence of cervical cancer. So we're making headway.
And, HEY! COOL HURRICANE YOU THOUGHT UP!
Being in New Orleans, I gotta be honest with you. YOU ****ed ME off for a while. But Your plan has been working, if you were trying to address the random violence here. Its way down.
As you know, since you know everything, I'm 41 now.
My dad is over there, to your left. The guy with the 747 in a sixty-degree-bank, in IMC, five miles from Heathrow's final approach fix, requesting a tight turn in. He's probably the one most responsible for my letter to you since his airline career affected me deeply.
I know your list is long.
But I gotta bring your attention to something that ****ES ME OFF (sorry about the language).
Airline pilots are getting squeezed out of the cockpit.
And its time for some Divine Intervention, since nothing else seems to be working.
PLEASE:
1) Unite the pilot's union...all this deregulation stuff has made TOO MUCH COMPETITION, where everyone is slitting everyone-else's throat.
2) RAISE TICKET PRICES. My buddy at Air Tran tells me the average fair last year was EIGHTY EIGHT BUCKS. C'mon, God. YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE KNOWS PROFIT MARGINS NEED TO BE HIGHER THAN THAT.
3) DO YOU REALLY THINK A LEGACY CARRIER HAVING MORE THAN ONE FEEDER AIRLINE IS A GOOD IDEA? So now the feeder's pilots are scared to be bold, since they're told IF YOU DONT FLY FOR PEANUTS THE OTHER FEEDER WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS.....
....and since we're on the subject, is this feeder airline thing really a good idea? Yeah, maybe for the CEO.
......but not for pilot wages.
4) Theres too much competition out there for pilots, God. Too many flight schools turning out too many pilots. If airlines continue to only-be-interested-in-the-bottom-line-which-is-C-notes, a seasoned pilot can't compete. Why would an airline-recruiter wanna pay a seasoned pilot WHAT HE'S WORTH if he can save some cash by hiring a low-time Embry Little newbie?
So please LIMIT ACCESS TO THE COCKPIT somehow. I don't know. You're way smarter than me. Figure something out.
5) PILOTS ARENT BUS DRIVERS, GOD.
I don't know if you've ever shot an ILS to mins with LEVEL THREES APPROACHING YOU IN ALL QUADRANTS, BUT I HAVE. Thats some scary s hit. You can't just put your blinker on and pull off.
Remember that dude ICEMAN in Topgun? Remember how he flies, ICECOLD? You GOTTA STAY....
......sorry. You know.
Oh, and most of my approaches have been BY MYSELF. These line-pilot dudes HAVE FAMILIES IN THE BACK OF THE PLANE. LIKE MAYBE THIRTY FAMILIES.
...I'm sure you're pikkin'-up-what-I'm-puttin' down.
Hope all is well up there in the Divine Flight Levels.
Hope you can find some free time to address the airline-pilot woes down here on earth. And soon.
Respectfully,
Jet