New early pilot retirement program (just a joke)
Subject: Pilot Early Retirement Program
To: Pilot Employees
Date: Thursday, August 18, 2008, 12:45 PM
DEAR VALUED PILOT EMPLOYEE:
The airline industry is in a crisis. Its business model doesn't work with
the current price of fuel and the existing level of capacity in the
marketplace. We need to make changes in response.
While there have been several successful fare increases, those increases
haven't been sufficient to cover the rising cost of fuel. As fares increase,
fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to reduce our
capacity to match the reduced demand. As we reduce our capacity, we will
need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although these changes will be
painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's market to successfully
navigate these difficult times.
Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior pilots by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. Under this plan, senior pilots will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the new-hires who represent our future. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Pilots). Pilots who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED Pilots can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All pilots who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, a pilot may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If a pilot follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any pilot who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Thank You,
Your Management Team