I’m the captain of flight 123 and so I enter the cockpit and am about to perform a cockpit safety check, but as I’m checking out the oxygen masks, I notice that there’s a used water bottle sitting in my beverage cup holder, so I call the First Flight Attendant to come up and remove the old one, so that my company can recycle to bottle. When she comes into the cockpit, I notice that she’s a blond, and it reminds me that tomorrow’s my anniversary, so after she leaves, I get out my cell phone and call the florist to order some red roses for my wife. The florist puts me on hold for a minute and then my First Officer comes into the cockpit after doing his walkaround. He mentions that the jet’s fine, except that there is a small hydraulic leak on the left main landing gear strut. So I put my cell phone on top of my bag and get on the radio to have maintenance come and check out the leak.

A minute or two later, the paperwork comes and we spend some time reviewing it. I ask the F/O to use the ACARS and get an updated wx report for both here and there, and as he’s doing that, I finish up my cockpit setup and prepare to go fly. The F/O gets the weather and as we’re about to review it, the mechanic calls and says that the hydraulic leak was fixed and that we were good to go, so I call for a before starting engines checklist. The F/O looks at me sort of funny, but reads the checklist. Aircraft Log – REVIEWED, Fuel Quantity - 132,000 POUNDS, Oxygen – As I’m about to respond “Checked”, the flight attendant comes in and asks if either of us wants a coffee. The F/O says “No”, but I say “Sure”, and oh by the way, how many folks do we have in the back. As she’s looking at the count, the Gate Agent comes in and says: “Captain, we’re all buttoned up and ready to go, and there’s another jet in the lane waiting for this space.

I hate being rushed, but we’ve gotta get out of dodge, so after everyone clears out of the cockpit, I tell the F/O “start engines.” He again looks at me sort of funny, but reaches up and pulls the engine #1 start switch. They both start up fine, and I call for taxi. As we’re taxiing, the F/O suggests that we do an after start checklist. What a good Idea I say, and so he begins to read the challenge and response items. As he’s reading, I get sort of distracted when I look down and notice that the flaps and slats aren’t in their T/O position, so I set the flaps to 20, extending the slats and enter 5.2 degrees nose up in the FMS. We’re approaching Number 1 so I tell the F/O to go to tower and tell them we’re ready.

He does and they clear us into T/O position. As we’re starting our takeoff roll, someone says “LIGHTS” over the radio, and I reach up and turn ours on, wondering who had turned them off in the first place. Takeoff and climbout are uneventful, except for when B!tching Betty yelled “Gear”. On climbout I hear a beeping coming from my flight bag. While the F/O is talking to departure control, I go looking through my bag for whatever it is that’s beeping. I finally find my open cell phone, just as the first officer yells “BANK”. I look up and we’re at about 45 degrees of left bank, with the nose passing through the horizon (on the way down), so I grab the yoke and right the jet as I pull about 2 G’s to bring the nose up so that we reinstitute our climb. I wonder who would have gone into my bag and opened my cell phone. I make a mental note to check the phone log when I can find some time.

We finally reach our cruising altitude and I decide to teach the F/O a little something about the Flight Management System, so I suggest that we take off our headsets, turn on the overhead speakers, and start playing with the secondary flightplan page on the FMS.

Anyway, you can see where I’m going with this, and of course we all laugh at the stupidity of this guy. However, stuff like this happens, probably more than we think. So I challenge you all to fly the most perfect flight you can, each and every time. Our profession is unlike most others in that we are expected to perform perfectly each and every time we strap on the jet. I believe that by using good piloting and CRM skills, while being well rested and remembering that complacency is one of our biggest enemies, we can perform up to the standard that we should each expect of ourselves.

Now then, where did I put my watch and wallet?

JJ