Sorry to keep reposting but this was also over at Baseops, and I about ****ed myself at my desk. My OpsO had to come over and ask what the hell my problems was.

Purple, you must not be at the CAOC, I could access the world on those computers.


[quote]
Tim Martins doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Tim Martins counted to infinity - twice.
Tim Martins once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Tim Martins can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Some kids **** their name in the snow. Tim Martins can **** his name into concrete.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Tim Martins.
Tim Martins can speak braille.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Tim Martins' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Tim Martins' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Tim Martins does not sleep. He waits.
Tim Martins' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Tim Martins.
Tim Martins once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Tim Martins puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Tim Martins can delete the Recycling Bin.
Tim Martins owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
On a high school math test, Tim Martins put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Tim Martins solves all his problems with Violence.
Tim Martins can do a wheelie on a unicycle
Tim Martins runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Once a cobra bit Tim Martins' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
If you spell Tim Martins wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Tim Martins?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Tim Martins died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Tim Martins was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Tim Martins says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
Tim Martins can slam revolving doors.
Giraffes were created when Tim Martins uppercutted a horse.
Tim Martins does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure.
Tim Martins can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Superman owns a pair of Tim Martins pajamas.
Tim Martins can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
Tim Martins doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Tim Martins can kill two stones with one bird.
Tim Martins sleeps with a night light. Not because Tim Martins is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Tim Martins.
When Tim Martins gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Tim Martins secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Death once had a near-Tim-Martins experience.
Tim Martins' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Tim Martins will not take **** from anyone.
Tim Martins was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Tim Martins doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Tim Martins banging your sister.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Tim Martins' PC will crash.
Tim Martins can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Tim Martins is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Tim Martins is always on top during sex because Tim Martins never ****s up.
Tim Martins can play the violin with a piano
Ghosts are actually caused by Tim Martins killing people faster than Death can process them.
Tim Martins was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Tim Martins does not "attempt" murder.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Tim Martins didn't kill you in your sleep.
In 1991, Tim Martins shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
Tim Martins can build a snowman out of rain.
Tim Martins never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Tim Martins can touch this.
Tim Martins can drown a fish.
Tim Martins plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Tim Martins.
Champions are the breakfast of Tim Martins.
Tim Martins once punched a man in the soul.
Tim Martins can make a paraplegic run for his life.
Tim Martins eats the core of an apple first.
The only time Tim Martins was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
When Tim Martins looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Tim Martins and Tim Martins.
When Tim Martins enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Tim Martins once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Tim Martins is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Tim Martins
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Tim Martins' roundhouse kick.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Tim Martins can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
When God said, "Let there be light", Tim Martins said, "say please."
The last digit of pi is Tim Martins. He is the end of all things.
Tim Martins doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way.
Tim Martins likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Tim Martins.
Mr. T once defeated Tim Martins in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Tim Martins invented racism.
Tim Martins once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Tim Martins and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Tim Martins can throw Brett Favre even further.
Tim Martins can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Tim Martins is.
Tim Martins doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
The chief export of Tim Martins is pain.
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Tim Martins to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Tim Martins now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Tim Martins's fist.
Tim Martins is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Tim Martins is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
Tim Martins doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
A rogue squirrel once challenged Tim Martins to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
Tim Martins cannot predict the future; the future just better ****ing do what Tim Martins says.
Before Tim Martins was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
Tim Martins can tie his shoes with his feet.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Tim Martins donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Tim still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
Tim Martins once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
Tim Martins does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Tim Martins during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
Tim Martins was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a ***** would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelry."
Tim Martins used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Tim Martins is.
If you can see Tim Martins, he can see you. If you can't see Tim Martins you may be only seconds away from death.
Someone once tried to tell Tim Martins that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. [\quote]