How about leaving off the pilot stuff completely?
Or if you do, focus on the numbers and customer service side:
"Prepared operational weight & balance for part 121 [insert name of aircraft here]"
"Balanced budget of sub-poverty level pay with exceptionally high cost of living city locations"
"Performed multivariate 3D trigonometric, geometric, and arithmetic calculations in life or death, time-critical, high-pressure environment constantly on daily basis."
"Manged finite resources on small team to ensure safety and security of passenger and multi-billion dollar assets"
"Negotiated exceptionally sensitive multi-national resource allotment, timing, security intelligence, and placement of high value assets and customers, from all levels of management and employees including Fortune 10 CEOs, bus drivers, and janitors."
"On daily basis, worked as team with multiple government agencies including Federal Aviation Administration, Transportation Security Administration, FBI, and local law enforcement agencies to ensure national security and safety of multi-billion dollar assets and VIPs."
"Provided awesome customer service in times of natural disasters, security threats, and cold coffee."
"On a daily basis, instructed others through critical stress events, where improper actions could result in loss of life or assets."
Have some fun with it.