Oh yeah, I'll copy it, with some liberties:

Dear [FTB's real name]

Congratulations! Your medical and psychological test results have been received and both were acceptable. ( gulp, "acceptable" not "awesome" not "best since 80ktsclamp"???? How did I get hired?) Your background investigation has not yet been completed so your offer of employment remains conditional pending the receipt of the background information. (I bet you didn't do this to ACL people!) This is a normal situation since we must legally allow several weeks for all inquiries to be answered. (he, I wonder how the background went from Buzzpat, "you carried what on your wrist?!?")

However, at this time we are authorized to begin your training and you should expect to receive a call from Delta's... (I feel like a ping pong ball, "however," "acceptable" "authorized" "go ahead anyways", call scheduling, tell them I'm on SC but I'm sobbing in the corner of my basement in the fetal position)

Truth is, this is the first time I've read past the word "Congratulations!"