OldAg84

Fortunately, both my parents’ had good government pensions which the both earned. My father passed at Thanksgiving 2004 and my mother in late February 2005. When my father passed my mother was in ill health and it was terminal, although we didn’t know it at the time. When I discussed Mom with my brother, literally the first thing he said was, “well- she can’t come here!” I’ll grant she was extraordinarily high maintenance, but I thought that was a crummy thing to say nonetheless. My wife, a stay at home mother (a non-working attorney) took her in without hesitation. I can only imagine losing your husband of 51 years and then a week later having to move 500 miles from the town you’ve lived in for the last 45 years. With closing out the estate, her personality, and the health issues getting worse, it was lot of time and effort. I respect and love my wife even more today. The kids got to be with their grandmother in the last 3 months (the last month was in and out of the hospital and nursing home); this being good for both parties. My wife and I were with her when she passed. I don’t regret a minute of it.

Another thing though- make sure their estate is in order. I begged my parents, and they had the funds to do it right, but they left a mess. I, not my brother, cleaned up 90-95% of it. As it should be, we inherited 50-50 each, but my father played some games with insurance policies, etc. Because of what went on and what was said, I haven’t spoken to my only brother in 5 years and am not sure I ever will again. I’m not happy about it, but I wasn’t driving that bus. Don’t be a fool and think it can never happen in my family, it does. Tell your parents to get their estate in order, be equitable, and explain why things might be a certain way. That way it is fair, as easy as possible, and people have an understanding without unanswered questions.

As for taking in one’s parents- I wouldn’t judge, one does have a responsibility to them, but the first responsibility is to one’s wife and kids. Right choice or easy choice…..sometimes it's both....sometimes it's not.

Either way good luck.

TonyC

I wouldn't consider you "ungrateful." I would consider you ungrateful.

Quotation marks as you've used them allow you to diminish the impact of the word by suggesting some form or semblance to the real term without committing to the full, very real impact. Scare quotes, or sneer quotes, are used to indicate the word does not signify its literal meaning -- the tone conveyed is sarcasm or irony.

Turning your parents away would not appear to be ungrateful -- it would, in fact, be the epitome of ungrateful.

You dismiss your elders with phrases like, "They are only one slip or fall away from being in immediate financial distress" and "one more cancer diagnosis away from being destitute". Yes, that would be very irresponsible on their part to slip or fall or be stricken with cancer. How thoughtless of them to burden you so. They should die rather than be a burden to you.

I gotta tell ya, my Dad was hit by esophogeal cancer -- can you believe how thoughtless he was? -- I'd sell everything I own if he'd show up on my doorstep today and ask to stay with my family for a month or so.

The truth is, you're only one auto accident away from leaving your kids as orphans. If I were your parents, I'd be ticked that you were so irresponsible to die, and I'd probably insist the state take custody of your kids rather than try to care for them myself. After all, they only planned on raising one set of kids.


We have two choices -- we die, or we grow old. I prefer the latter, and I think you would, too. If you really want to teach your children a valuable lesson, teach them how important it is to take care of family. Who knows, maybe you'll be old someday and you'll need someone to wipe the oatmeal off your chin. Heaven forbid you need someone to wipe your bottom. Pray to God they've been taught by their parents to take care of their parents.

Otherwise, you'll most certainly reap what you've sown.






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ogogog

you know Tony i knew there was a reason i like you,every thing you said all i can say is DITTO.

Bitme

OldAg84, I agree with getting your parents to get their estate in order, but an even bigger prompt is for each of us to get their estate in order. This is a topic for many that I talk to that is woefully delayed. It may not be cheap, my estate planning cost about $17000, but the money the government will take and the headaches for all those around you will dwarf the 17K.

I have gone through a death of a parent with reasonable assets and the estate was prepared very well even to the point that after death all I had to do was go to a three ring binder and start at line 1 and do what it said. It still sucked.

Most initial consultations are free with an estate planning attorney; if they are competent then most likely trusts will be a high priority and if they have not heard of the Teton Ten Step then move on. This is a field that requires constant updating and training to keep abreast of the latest changes so find someone who is into being up to date. Good luck, because there is no right or wrong answer to this thread's topic, just the best you can, but there is some very insightful comments here.

SkyHigh

Tony C,

"Reap what you've sown."

My point exactly. Illness and hardship can come to anyone. Some strive to prepare for disaster. They buy insurance. Work to stay healthy. Save for a rainy day. Others it seems plan to dump themselves and all of their troubles onto their children when the time comes.

In my situation my elders have squandered their savings and exposed themselves to disaster by consistently making poor life choices. Now my family and I are being expected to pick up the slack.

We already have five small children plus the threat of as many as four destitute parents to consider. I don't think it is fair nor a good example to my children to take them in. I have my own retirement to consider. We buy insurance and save for our future. What kind of an example would to be for us to destroy our financial situation trying to pay for the mistakes of the past generation?

My goal is to leave my children an inheritance not leave them to inherit my unpaid bills. We reap what we sow. My parents and my wife's parents have blown every opportunity to provide for themselves. As a result I do not feel compelled to come to the rescue.

Question: Should we use our children as a retirement plan?

Skyhigh

SkyHigh

Today I was informed by my mother to expect a letter in the mail soon from the nursing home demanding that we accept my father into our home. Apparently Medicaid has decided that they do not have to pay for his care anymore and are now trying to force my mother to take him.

She legally divorced him years ago and has declined. Now they will come after my brother and I. As far as I know we have no legal obligation to take him.

Skyhigh

TonyC

Should your children expect an inheritance from you?



It's clear where your priorities lie -- money is more important than family.


My goal is to leave my children an inheritance far, far more valuable than money. If they have all the physical comforts of life and a large balance in the bank, but they turn their backs on friends or family in need, I will have failed miserably.

And I would be ashamed.






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jedinein

I can imagine no worse situation than being sick and/or disabled, unwanted, and with nowhere to go.

My family has made some poor financial choices, so they aren't millionaires. The economic downturn took their savings, all of it. The drop in value of the home took every gain in the last 40 years of working and reduced it to owing more than the house is worth. My parents didn't choose to become totally disabled at early ages with Social Security refusing to cover one parent due to being disabled years ago but failing to file immediately, when the work credits were current. My brother has them living with him, but if they were to show on my doorstep tonight, I'd find room for them. Even if we had to live under the 5th Street Bridge, we'd make it work. My Dad worked his ass off for years to keep a roof over us children's heads, I can do my best to make sure my parents have one over theirs.

Right now I can't provide financial support to the family, but I'm helping in other ways. I'm a "shoulder to cry on" for the main caretaker. I'm helping with health insurance. I'm taking care of myself so I don't become a burden on them. I'm not currently saving for retirement as the bankers managed to take 50% of my contributions for themselves, so I'm a little sore on that subject, but I'm paying down my bills so as to not have a bill that lands on someone else.

I'm also taking up the mantle when I can. If I need to argue with billing departments, insurance agencies, landlords, and so on, I do. If I need to introduce collection agencies to lawyers or "do not call" letters, I can. If I can cover a plane ticket for another family member to come visit and be a help, I do. If I can show up for a weekend and give the primary a weekend or a weekday or two off, I do. I can't correct their mistakes, nor my siblings, but I can offer knowledge from having walked a similar path.

So maybe you can't provide a home for the father. Can you contact Medicare and find out what's up? Can you get the information needed to properly argue the position? Can you find an attorney that specializes in elderly issues and have that lawyer work to solve the problem? Is your Dad decrepit enough to be made a ward of the state? Is the state-run facility decent? Is there a state-run facility? Do any of the other siblings have any expertise in these areas? Can any of them help out with making calls, gathering paperwork, finding a new place, and so on?

Is an adult child responsible for a parent's nursing home bills?
Medicare.gov - Nursing Home Overview

No matter your action, it will feel quite miserable until you realize you can't do it all and that you must take care of yourself first, before you can take care of anyone else, including your own family. The next part will be to bring your wife on board with the decision and seeing if her siblings can pool resources, too.

Good luck!

jedinein

BTW, don't bother to feel guilty about not being able to help as much as you want and for looking out for yourself first. It's perfectly normal to feel angry about the situation and feel like you are being dumped upon. You are, and there is no easy way out. Find a vent for some of those feelings and concerns, perhaps even outside of the family (like this website).

And ignore those that might criticize; they probably haven't faced the same decisions or situations as your family with the amount of support you have available to you.

With my family, I've done all I can, and it's not enough.

SkyHigh

We are facing a difficult situation. Perspectives might be different if you do not have children of your own at home.

Skyhigh