PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.)

Here is the definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or
phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous
situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of

paraprosdokian..

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks..

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer g ut, and still think they are
sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of
a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.

Add a few of your own.

 

Don't know if this qualifies, but it's a favorite:

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.”

 

"I've never made a mistake. Once I thought I did, but I was wrong."

 

Almost anything Yogi Berra ever said.

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

 

If you're going through hell, keep going - W. Churchill

There is no room for politics in government - me

Spontaneity has its time and plane - "The Sure Thing"

Experience is what you get when you're looking for something else

The second engine is to get you to the crash site.

 

I've always heard this as

"life is what happens when your making other plans."

 

......along those lines.

Sundance Kid: I can't swim.
Butch Cassidy: Are you crazy? The fall will probably kill you.

 

"Eagles soar high and free, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

 

"If you don't know where you're going, you usually end up somewhere else."

 

When the F/A's call and ask, "Where are we..."

I usaully say, "We're lost, but we're making good time!"