-Airline captain: "If only I made as much money as people think I make, had as much time off as my neighbours think I have and had as much fun on stopovers as my wife thinks I have".
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The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.

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If god had wished women to fly, the sky would be pink!
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A young guy in an F-16 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."
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How can you tell when you meet a pilot?
He'll tell you.

How do you know when you have been an air traffic controller for too long?
When you begin giving your children directions in terms of airspeed and altitude, and ask your spouse to expedite from the toilet.
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A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious whiteknuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control.

"Ma'am," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing."
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Helicopters don't actually fly -- they just beat the air into submission.
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Heard a different version of that figher/bomber convo one:


A fight was doing escort with a bomber on a long mission. The fighter was bragging about the manueverability of his airplane and how it was such a better airplane than the bomber. The fighter pilot said "I bet there is nothing you can do in your airplane that i cant do."
The bomber pilot said, "oh yeah, watch this."

A few minutes pass and the bomber came back on and said "Haha! beat that!"

Perplexed, the fighter pilot responds, "What did you do?"

Bomber pilot: "went down stairs, got a cup of coffee, had a chat with the navigator, went for a stroll, and I'm back now."

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I'm done, and tired of looking these up. Gotta Go............

Were you bored or what?

This was some funny stuff....good job

What is the difference between a flight attendant and a washing machine?

You can drop a load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for 3 days.

That's easy: he farts the fuel explodes he goes shooting to PHX so he warns the other guy. :D

Holy **** thats good stuff right there!!:) :D :)

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. The Bartender serves the drink and says "That`ll be a dime"....the guy says "A dime?, what`s the deal?" The bartender tells him that he won 10 million in the lottery, but loves to bartend, so sells the drinks cheaply so all of his loyal customers can share in the good luck that the bartender has. The customer says "That`s great, cheap drinks and all, but I see that those two gents down the bar aren`t drinking". The bartenders says " Oh, those are a couple of air line pilots..they`re waiting for happy hour".

so sad yet funny... Someone sticky this thread lol.

Yea, sometimes we all need a little laugh. I’ll try to post jokes every now and then; there are only so many aviation jokes, so some of them will be about different subjects. Every body should try and post some jokes, it lightens a morbid day.

ToiletDuck, it’ll be nice if someone sticky(ed) this thread, but as long as I or you guys keep posting new jokes, it should remain on top, at least for a while. Pull Inverted and Roll, and crjav8er, those are really funny, thanks for posting them.

Keep them coming.

The Test
 

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... But on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."