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Funny Jokes

Old 11-30-2006, 11:30 AM
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Talking Funny Jokes

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance
opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are
wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing eye dog, and the other is tapping
his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and
faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed
straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will
plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the
plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, one of
these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:30 AM
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The Captain does PA announcement, then leaves the PA on by accident. He turns to the first officer and says, "You know what I really want? A steak and then a f*ck." A hostess in the back starts running up the aisle to tell the captain the mic is still live, but an old lady grabs her and says, "You don't have to rush dear, he said he's going to have a steak first."
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:31 AM
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A bear is walking through the woods one day when he hears screaming. "Help, help, I'm drowning in quicksand." He rushes to where the screams are coming from only to find that it is a mouse. "Why should I help you," he asks the mouse, "You and I hate each other?" The mouse replies, "I'll owe you one, just get me out of here." "Fine," replies the bear, and pulls out the mouse with his penis.

Then one day the little mouse is walking in the woods and hears screaming, "Help, help I'm drowning in quicksand." When he arrives at the quicksand he finds that it's the bear who saved his life. Being a decent little mouse who sticks to his word he tells the bear to hang on, he'll get him out. The mouse runs off and flies back in his Boeing 747. He then pulls the bear out with the plane.

What is the moral of the story? You don't need a big dick if you fly a jet.
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:31 AM
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What protects flight attendants from the scum of the earth? The flight deck door.

A pilot dies & goes to hell. The devil tells him to pick one of two rooms in which to spend eternity. One is a 747 repeatedly spiraling towards earth, the other is the pilot repeatedly being thrown into a 777 engine (biggest) running at full power. Not liking either of these, the pilot looks in a third door, & sees a really hot flight attendant making hot love with an ugly-as-sin pilot. He asks the devil if he can choose that room. The devil says no, that that is FLIGHT ATTENDANT HELL, not pilot hell.
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:32 AM
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The plane had pushed back and was nearly at the runway when they were asked to hold their position and contact their dispatcher. Dispatch told the crew that they had a couple of deadheading pilots that they needed to get on the plane. The captain had one of the flight attendants open the aft airstair door and a crew bus drove the deadheading pilots out to the waiting airplane. The passengers weren’t let on to what was taking place. All they knew was the airplane had come to a stop, a flight attendant had gone back and opened the door, and two pilots were coming up the stairs and into the cabin. All eyes were on them, wondering what was going on, as the two deadheading pilots were making their way through the cabin. Finally, to break the ice, one of the pilots said, “I can’t believe that stewardess actually got the engines started and tried to leave without us…”
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:33 AM
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What is the difference between a A320 and B757 pilot?
The A320 pilot has nothing between his legs.
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:33 AM
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Ok here's one. A long line of people are waiting just outside the pearly gate as St. Peter is checking them through. One guy cuts out of line and heads for the front. He is dressed in a UAL captians uniform;hat, and all. He even has his flight bag. He walks right up to the gate and right past St. Peter, no questions asked. One guy in the line asks,"Hey, why did that guy get to cut in front of everybody?" St. Peter replied,"Oh, that's God. He likes to dress up and pretend he's a pilot."
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:34 AM
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the next day...


A long line of people are waiting at the pearly gates, when all of a sudden a brand new Beech Baron comes spiraling out of a cloud and smashes into the ground in a ball of flames. A few minutes later and again a beautiful new airplane comes out of a cloud and crashes into the ground. This is repeated several times before someone finally asks St. Peter, "What's going on?".... "Oh that's just god, he thinks he's a doctor."
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:35 AM
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Tower: Flight 256, turn left 90 degrees.
Captain: Roger, but how come?
Tower: Noise abatement.
Captain. We are at FL350 so I don't understand how it affects the noise.
Tower: Ever heard the sound that a 727 and a 747 makes when they crash into each other?
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:36 AM
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When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his airplane...
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