There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pig’s ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "**** flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."

 

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

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*This had most of the state of California laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

 

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

 

For Vagabond:

A man walked into a bar and noticed a lady sitting at the bar alone. He watched her for a while and noticed she was slowly sipping her drink. He approached her and asked if he could have a seat. She responded that it would be OK for him to join her. In a few moments she broke her silence and sternly said “Look, I will screw anybody. I don’t care about age, what city you are form, I don’t care about your background or what you do. I don’t even care what ethnic group you belong too.” “Are we talking the same language?” At which time the man extended his hand and said “Nice to meet you, I am a lawyer too.”

 

The same guy in the bar in my last joke walked into another bar, sat down and had a drink. He looked over a few seats and saw a fairly attractive girl also having a drink. The bartender sees the guy eyeing the girl and said "Hey buddy, you are wasting your time with that one, she`s a lesbian"...Our guy, a smooth talker, gave it a try anyway, moved down the bar and opened the conversation with.."Hi doll..how`s things in Beirut?"

 

What is the difference between a bowling ball and a sorority girl?

Highlight - The bowling ball can only fit three fingers

 

It was Christmas Eve and Santa was supervising the loading of his sleigh. He was just signing off the load plan when a guy came up waving credentials saying "hi, I'm from the FAA and I'll be riding along tonight."
Of course Santa tried to get him to come back another, less busy, night but the inspector couldn't be talked out of the no notice.
They were getting strapped into the sleigh and an elf was helping the FAA guy load up his gear.
"What's in this bag?" he asked, handing up a long, skinny case to the inspector. The inspector looked over to make sure Santa wasn't looking then opened the case and flashed a rifle to the elf.
"Don't tell Santa" he said "but he's going to lose one on takeoff."

 

I think I just found my new MySpace quote. Although, I would fly a "Scarebus" if I got the opportunity.

Keep the jokes comming.

 

What's the difference between an AA flight attendant and a bull dog?

Lipstick

 

You know what the difference between a United ramper and an Airbus is?

The 'bus works at least some of the time.