I don't get this one, but here it goes:

Two airline pilots decide that they want to get drunk after a long flight. However, they are stranded in a dry county and don't know what to do for alcohol. Finally, one of them suggests they try drinking jet fuel. The other agrees so they try it out and get pretty wasted. The next morning pilot #1 calls pilot #2 and asks him how he feels. Pilot #2 says, "Fine, how about you?" Pilot #1 says, "Great, no hangover, nothing....but whatever you do, don't fart." "Why not," asks pilot #2? Pilot #1 replies, "Because I'm in Phoenix."

 

What do you call a pregnant f/a? Pilot error

 

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .. the pilot dies.

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

I was on another flight, EWR-ORD UA 883 last February when we pulled back from the gate, the pilot walked out of the cabin and told the people seated over the wings to look out the windows and make sure the right wing was still there.

 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

Enjoy?

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

 

"If you find yourself needing a cigeratte, please do so after takeoff. You can step outside over the exit on the wing, and puff away. No smoking in the cabin."

"In the event that the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. Although it is scary, be sure to assist yourself first by strapping the mask on your nose and mouth and adjust the straps. Be sure to help yourself first before assisting children. If the adult sitting next to you is acting like a child, again, help yourself first!"

"We arrived 10 minutes ahead of our schedule. Please remember next time you fly SouthWest and have a delay you have a 10 minute credit."

 

On a regional aircraft some passengers were visibly nervous about flying a "small" airplane. Once in the air, the Captain, in an effort to comfort his passengers, announced over the PA system:

"I understand some of you are nervous, but I assure you, these aircraft are perfectly safe....in fact, if you all lean over to the right side and look out the windows.....we'll tip over! Ha, ha, just a little pilot humor for you..."

 

"If there is a loss of this cabins electrical power, We'll light candels and sing Cumbaya(sp)"

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I " looked into it", (I was laughing), I went back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

On a recent flight from SAN to IAD the captain came on and gave us a rather bleak report on weather and expected delays due to ATC. However he followed that up by stating.. "The good news is....I just saved on ton of money by switching my car insurance to GEICO"

 

Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do.
— a welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain.

"Fly on a boeing you get where your going, fly on a bus, in God you must trust"

While taxiing out for departure in an african airlines, passengers noticed smoke coming out from one engine. They immediately brought it to the notice of the flight attendants who promptly informed the Captain. The Captain returned the aircraft to the gate.
After about half an hour the aircraft was taxiing out again but passengers noticed with horror that smoke was still coming out from the engine. They angrily charged the cabin crew, "You haven't done anything with the engine or even changed the aircraft !"
The chief purser calmly replied, "dont worry, we've changed the Captain. This one is good in single engine handling."

 

Pilot and Co-Pilot

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like the Chinese."

"You don't like the Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests, "the Chinese didn't bomb Pearl Harbor! That was the Japanese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese......doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I don't like Jews!!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"The Jews sank the Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no matter......they're all same!"