Funny Jokes
02-21-2007, 07:35 PM
#51
Administrator
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
"Lost" Jokes
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
********************
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
*********************
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
***********************
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
*********************
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
**********************
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
*************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
********************
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
*********************
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
***********************
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
*********************
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
**********************
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
*************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
02-21-2007, 08:04 PM
#52
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Oct 2006
Posts: 778
MAJOR AIR CRASH IN TEXAS Associated Press:
Texas’ worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in College Station.
Aggie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and Co-pilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
Texas’ worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in College Station.
Aggie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and Co-pilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
02-22-2007, 07:19 AM
#53
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Sep 2006
Position: C-130
Posts: 381
How to handle annoying passengers
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open this email.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open this email.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
02-22-2007, 09:11 AM
#54
Che Guevara
Joined APC: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,408
Originally Posted by multipilot
MAJOR AIR CRASH IN TEXAS Associated Press:
Texas’ worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in College Station.
Aggie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and Co-pilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
Texas’ worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in College Station.
Aggie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and Co-pilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
Not sure how well that'd go with the feds though...lol.
02-22-2007, 04:03 PM
#56
Administrator
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
02-22-2007, 08:41 PM
#57
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,282
Ladies please forgive me for telling this one.
------------------------------------------------
Two tampons are walking down the street towards eachother.
What does one say to the other?
Nothing, they're stuck up b!tches.
------------------------------------------------
Two tampons are walking down the street towards eachother.
What does one say to the other?
Nothing, they're stuck up b!tches.
02-27-2007, 10:19 AM
#60
Administrator
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
Thanks for all the emails!
A Summary of my Emails from the past year
>
> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
> about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I
> now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
> that needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
> open for the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to
> a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
> the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will
> change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
> Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
> participating in their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have
> 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
> Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are
> actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
> feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer -causing deodorants even
> though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
> only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven
> of my friends and make a wish within five
> minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
> Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
> along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
> crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
> people who make these products are atheists who
> refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
> because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
> water in the microwave anymore because it will
> blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
> because I could be pricked with a needle infected
> with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
> will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
> since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French
> and don't support our American troops or the
> Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will
> ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
> phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
> Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
> change once I receive my free replacement pair
> from Nike.
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
> Marcus since I now have their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but
> mine because a big brown African spider is
> lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
> when it bites my butt.
>
> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy
> Rooney and Maxine has given us. I can live a better
> life now because they've told us how to fix
> everything.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
> pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking
> lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
> molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
> leg.
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
> diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
> infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
> hump. I know this will occur because it actually
> happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
> beautician.
>
> Have a wonderful day.
>
> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
> about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I
> now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
> that needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
> open for the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to
> a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
> the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will
> change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
> Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
> participating in their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have
> 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
> Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are
> actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
> feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer -causing deodorants even
> though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
> only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven
> of my friends and make a wish within five
> minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
> Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
> along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
> crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
> people who make these products are atheists who
> refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
> because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
> water in the microwave anymore because it will
> blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
> because I could be pricked with a needle infected
> with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
> will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
> since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French
> and don't support our American troops or the
> Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will
> ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
> phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
> Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
> change once I receive my free replacement pair
> from Nike.
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
> Marcus since I now have their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but
> mine because a big brown African spider is
> lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
> when it bites my butt.
>
> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy
> Rooney and Maxine has given us. I can live a better
> life now because they've told us how to fix
> everything.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
> pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking
> lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
> molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
> leg.
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
> diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
> infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
> hump. I know this will occur because it actually
> happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
> beautician.
>
> Have a wonderful day.
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