vagabond

A Summary of my Emails from the past year
>
> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
> about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I
> now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
> that needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
> open for the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to
> a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
> the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will
> change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
> Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
> participating in their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have
> 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
> Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are
> actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
> feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer -causing deodorants even
> though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
> only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven
> of my friends and make a wish within five
> minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
> Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
> along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
> crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
> people who make these products are atheists who
> refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
> because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
> water in the microwave anymore because it will
> blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
> because I could be pricked with a needle infected
> with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
> will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
> since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French
> and don't support our American troops or the
> Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will
> ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
> phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
> Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
> change once I receive my free replacement pair
> from Nike.
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
> Marcus since I now have their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but
> mine because a big brown African spider is
> lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
> when it bites my butt.
>
> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy
> Rooney and Maxine has given us. I can live a better
> life now because they've told us how to fix
> everything.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
> pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking
> lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
> molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
> leg.
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
> diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
> infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
> hump. I know this will occur because it actually
> happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
> beautician.
>
> Have a wonderful day.