WANTED: Master Illusionist job at Pinnacle
12-22-2011 | 05:18 AM
#1
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From: Bermuda Triangle
WANTED: Master Illusionist job at Pinnacle
WANTED: Master Illusionist job at Pinnacle (Temporary Position open immediately)
Location - Memphis, TN. Office located in beautiful downtown skyscraper with gourgeous view over looking the scenic Mighty Mississippi River.
Job Requirements - 4 year College Degree in either finance or accounting. Masters degree in Business ethics required. Minimum of 5 years experience in the illusionist industry acting as master magician or stagehand. Excellent Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet skills an absolute must. Any history of court prosecutions for "cooking the books" is a disqualifier.
Compensation - To be paid as a quarterly bonus derived algorithmically in line with Executive Bonus compensation packages at the end of 2012. $12,000 monthly housing allowance, $3,000 monthly travel allowance, moving expenses paid in full.
Job Description - Must be able to calculate finances in a manner to convince all labor groups that they are overpaid (especially minimum wage workers). Must also form pie chart graphs that show the pilot slice being the largest section of the labor expense at 99.3%, with a tiny slice of less than 0.1% labeled as "executive compensation." Be willing to hold pilot meetings to present powerpoint slideshows (armed guards provided) that skew financial numbers to convince that industry average pilot pay is just too much for our over 1 billion dollar annual gross revenue, then use magic tricks to vanish model jets as an example to show how the airline will dissapear if this paycut does not happen. Must be willing to work nights and weekends tirelessly to explore one time only expenses we can implement immediately to help show a loss. Further explore all non-labor cost saving measures that can be implemented after all work groups take a paycut.
Benefits - Industry leading 401K, free health insurance and dental, free positive space travel, two body guards provided 24/7 for protection of yourself and family, front door limosine service included, free tickets (corporate private box) to all rock concerts, sporting events, and shows held in the FedEx Forum and Colleseum
*Do not apply, this is a joke (incase your drunk)
Location - Memphis, TN. Office located in beautiful downtown skyscraper with gourgeous view over looking the scenic Mighty Mississippi River.
Job Requirements - 4 year College Degree in either finance or accounting. Masters degree in Business ethics required. Minimum of 5 years experience in the illusionist industry acting as master magician or stagehand. Excellent Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet skills an absolute must. Any history of court prosecutions for "cooking the books" is a disqualifier.
Compensation - To be paid as a quarterly bonus derived algorithmically in line with Executive Bonus compensation packages at the end of 2012. $12,000 monthly housing allowance, $3,000 monthly travel allowance, moving expenses paid in full.
Job Description - Must be able to calculate finances in a manner to convince all labor groups that they are overpaid (especially minimum wage workers). Must also form pie chart graphs that show the pilot slice being the largest section of the labor expense at 99.3%, with a tiny slice of less than 0.1% labeled as "executive compensation." Be willing to hold pilot meetings to present powerpoint slideshows (armed guards provided) that skew financial numbers to convince that industry average pilot pay is just too much for our over 1 billion dollar annual gross revenue, then use magic tricks to vanish model jets as an example to show how the airline will dissapear if this paycut does not happen. Must be willing to work nights and weekends tirelessly to explore one time only expenses we can implement immediately to help show a loss. Further explore all non-labor cost saving measures that can be implemented after all work groups take a paycut.
Benefits - Industry leading 401K, free health insurance and dental, free positive space travel, two body guards provided 24/7 for protection of yourself and family, front door limosine service included, free tickets (corporate private box) to all rock concerts, sporting events, and shows held in the FedEx Forum and Colleseum
*Do not apply, this is a joke (incase your drunk)
Last edited by Liv2soar; 12-22-2011 at 06:03 AM.
12-22-2011 | 06:16 AM
#6
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From: Out.
I got this email from a former Colgan public relations person:
To All the "Senior" Colgan Pilots,
You may remember my letters to you back during your misguided attempt to seek union representation. Back then I told you how your impertinence would cost you: excessive pay and feather-bedded work rules would destroy the company. I told you we in management knew what was best for you, that a five cent per hour increase in per diem was more than generous. But did you listen? NO! And look at the result: half of the vice presidents are without work and living on welfare. And then there is the former CEO whose pension has been shrunk to the point he can only afford a Lamborghini Gallardo when he so had his heart on the Murcielago. Now all the other kids in the CEO club just laugh at him: his ego has been destroyed. Are you happy now?
And why has all this happened? Because you, you ungrateful, black-hearted, red-headed step children of the Colgan family refused to realize we knew what was best for you. Did we not say it is better to live on Ramen, than never get your PIC time?
So now you are faced with the harsh reality: your greediness will lead to the complete demise of a once proud company. Unless, of course, you come to your senses, walk into your manager's office, pop tall, salute, and say, "If five percent will keep the company afloat, then I offer twenty percent for the good of the stock holders!"
Respectfully, your devoted Colgan "Mother",
Annie Moose
Hey Cam, was that snarky enough?
To All the "Senior" Colgan Pilots,
You may remember my letters to you back during your misguided attempt to seek union representation. Back then I told you how your impertinence would cost you: excessive pay and feather-bedded work rules would destroy the company. I told you we in management knew what was best for you, that a five cent per hour increase in per diem was more than generous. But did you listen? NO! And look at the result: half of the vice presidents are without work and living on welfare. And then there is the former CEO whose pension has been shrunk to the point he can only afford a Lamborghini Gallardo when he so had his heart on the Murcielago. Now all the other kids in the CEO club just laugh at him: his ego has been destroyed. Are you happy now?
And why has all this happened? Because you, you ungrateful, black-hearted, red-headed step children of the Colgan family refused to realize we knew what was best for you. Did we not say it is better to live on Ramen, than never get your PIC time?
So now you are faced with the harsh reality: your greediness will lead to the complete demise of a once proud company. Unless, of course, you come to your senses, walk into your manager's office, pop tall, salute, and say, "If five percent will keep the company afloat, then I offer twenty percent for the good of the stock holders!"
Respectfully, your devoted Colgan "Mother",
Annie Moose
Hey Cam, was that snarky enough?
12-22-2011 | 06:46 AM
#9
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Joined: Nov 2006
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