Breaking news! UAL SLI complete!!
04-01-2013, 09:01 AM
#1
Gets Weekends Off
Thread Starter
Joined APC: Apr 2008
Position: Sleeping in the black swan’s nest.
Posts: 5,709
Breaking news! UAL SLI complete!!
Looks like they got it done in a secret session this week end!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 1st 2013.
UAL MEC
SLI joint negotiating committee
The SLI negotiating committee is proud to report an early conclusion the SLI negotiations. In a furious pre arbitration negotiating marathon the joint comities have come to a mutual decision on the final SLI between the S-CAL and S-UAL pilot groups. We'd like to thank the various pilot negotiators from both sides and especially Jay Peirce and Jay Heppner for their hard work and invaluable experience as ALPA leaders.
The SLI was completed early this morning, while the final details will be sent to you via a video presentation the highlights of the agreement are included here. After much consideration and deep thought the teams were able to come to a mutual agreement that we think will be in the best interest of both pilot groups. Best of all we able to keep the arbitrators from making these life altering decisions for us and that makes us very proud.
The highlights of the new SLI agreement are as follows:
Longevity date of hire and relative position have been tried in the past and we decided that they are tired and useless ways of determining the new UAL SLI. With that in mind we set a new precedent in the post modern airline merger world and decided to completely rewrite the rule book of merged seniority integration.
1. The list will be constructed in alphabetical/height/weight order. Pilots with the last names starting in A + total height in CM multiplied by total body weight will have the lowest seniority numbers. IE the fattest, tallest pilot with a last name starting with the letters Aaa will be number one on the seniority list. The next fattest tallest pilot with last name starting with the letters Aa will be number two ETC ETC. Fat pilots obviously have a shorter life expectancy and therefore should be placed above skinny pilots. This should be obvious to any and all members.
2. Within the alphabetical/ height/weight category the following sub category's will be placed in reverse numerical order. Pilots who have been the most vocal about expressing their unwarranted and illogical opinions on the SLI in the APC Forum will be placed above any and all other pilots on the seniority list based on post count and vociferousness of those posts concerning their personal opinions on the SLI process. Those pilots who actually believe that their opinions will be taken into consideration are paced first on the list. As it turns out their opinions were taken into consideration CONGRATULATIONS!
3. Next in line are pilots who correctly and compulsively wear their uniforms correctly including the insistent wearing of the uniform hat even in the summer in 100+ degree temperatures and high humidity. These pilots can be identified in operations as the guys with sweat rings on their collars and "hat" head, hair styles. No behavior is more deserving of a seniority advantage than compulsive hot weather hat wearing.
4. Pilots who are crew desk pets and management suck ups shall be next on the list. This is an obvious choice and needs no further explanation.
5. At the bottom of the list will be pilots who have refused to buy a new shirt since the late 70's AKA yellow shirts. Pilots with droopy grey mustaches or sideburns. Pilots who have refused voluntary JRM. Male pilots with holes in their ears that are obviously piercings but don't have the balls to wear their ear rings to work. Pilots who have lives outside of the airline we don't need no stinking pilots who are not 100% UAL blue and true. And finally any and all pilots who have less than 20 hours in their sick bank. (Really!)
It is with a great sense of accomplishment and pride that we are able to present you the professional pilots of the combined UAL pilot group this ground breaking and trend setting agreement. Thank you for professionalism. We are United!
Sincerely
The Jays
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 1st 2013.
UAL MEC
SLI joint negotiating committee
The SLI negotiating committee is proud to report an early conclusion the SLI negotiations. In a furious pre arbitration negotiating marathon the joint comities have come to a mutual decision on the final SLI between the S-CAL and S-UAL pilot groups. We'd like to thank the various pilot negotiators from both sides and especially Jay Peirce and Jay Heppner for their hard work and invaluable experience as ALPA leaders.
The SLI was completed early this morning, while the final details will be sent to you via a video presentation the highlights of the agreement are included here. After much consideration and deep thought the teams were able to come to a mutual agreement that we think will be in the best interest of both pilot groups. Best of all we able to keep the arbitrators from making these life altering decisions for us and that makes us very proud.
The highlights of the new SLI agreement are as follows:
Longevity date of hire and relative position have been tried in the past and we decided that they are tired and useless ways of determining the new UAL SLI. With that in mind we set a new precedent in the post modern airline merger world and decided to completely rewrite the rule book of merged seniority integration.
1. The list will be constructed in alphabetical/height/weight order. Pilots with the last names starting in A + total height in CM multiplied by total body weight will have the lowest seniority numbers. IE the fattest, tallest pilot with a last name starting with the letters Aaa will be number one on the seniority list. The next fattest tallest pilot with last name starting with the letters Aa will be number two ETC ETC. Fat pilots obviously have a shorter life expectancy and therefore should be placed above skinny pilots. This should be obvious to any and all members.
2. Within the alphabetical/ height/weight category the following sub category's will be placed in reverse numerical order. Pilots who have been the most vocal about expressing their unwarranted and illogical opinions on the SLI in the APC Forum will be placed above any and all other pilots on the seniority list based on post count and vociferousness of those posts concerning their personal opinions on the SLI process. Those pilots who actually believe that their opinions will be taken into consideration are paced first on the list. As it turns out their opinions were taken into consideration CONGRATULATIONS!
3. Next in line are pilots who correctly and compulsively wear their uniforms correctly including the insistent wearing of the uniform hat even in the summer in 100+ degree temperatures and high humidity. These pilots can be identified in operations as the guys with sweat rings on their collars and "hat" head, hair styles. No behavior is more deserving of a seniority advantage than compulsive hot weather hat wearing.
4. Pilots who are crew desk pets and management suck ups shall be next on the list. This is an obvious choice and needs no further explanation.
5. At the bottom of the list will be pilots who have refused to buy a new shirt since the late 70's AKA yellow shirts. Pilots with droopy grey mustaches or sideburns. Pilots who have refused voluntary JRM. Male pilots with holes in their ears that are obviously piercings but don't have the balls to wear their ear rings to work. Pilots who have lives outside of the airline we don't need no stinking pilots who are not 100% UAL blue and true. And finally any and all pilots who have less than 20 hours in their sick bank. (Really!)
It is with a great sense of accomplishment and pride that we are able to present you the professional pilots of the combined UAL pilot group this ground breaking and trend setting agreement. Thank you for professionalism. We are United!
Sincerely
The Jays
07-04-2013, 11:23 AM
#9
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Joined APC: Aug 2007
Position: Always Fly With Favorite Captain
Posts: 376
I'm picturing "Airhoss" as being 6'5", 300#, 42" waist, always wears his hat, buys a new shirt every month, his real name is Aaron Aaron. (Shades of Catch 22 character "Major Major") 
07-04-2013, 05:52 PM
#10
Gets Weekends Off
Thread Starter
Joined APC: Apr 2008
Position: Sleeping in the black swan’s nest.
Posts: 5,709
Originally Posted by vroll1800
I'm picturing "Airhoss" as being 6'5", 300#, 42" waist, always wears his hat, buys a new shirt every month, his real name is Aaron Aaron. (Shades of Catch 22 character "Major Major")
I never wear my hat but do wear the same shirt everyday, day after day after day.
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