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Driving for Uber

Old 09-18-2022, 07:52 AM
  #11  
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Joined APC: Aug 2022
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Originally Posted by JohnBurke View Post
G'day, sir. I'll be your driver today on our voyage to Quickiemart. Welcome aboard and please buckle in. Before we begin, I'd like to direct you to the door handles which are the means by which you'll be getting the hell out if a) we catch fire; b) we are involved in a horriffic intersection collision by any vehicle heavier than a dustmop; or, c) a disagreement occurs in which you call me any of the five basic terms of profanity, an ethnic slur, or refer to my mother in any way that implies inbreeding with a llama. In the seat-back before you, a passenger briefing card will demonstrate the means of securing your seat belt, location of the air vents, and a strict warning not to put gum on the seat. I'm required by state law to inform you that nature abhors a prius. You'll be cruising today at street level on Alemeda and Crenshaw, and we expect pretty much the same weather at Quickiemart that we have here outside your ghetto apartment. If I haven't said so, the gunfire in your neighborhood is lovely this time of year. We have no seat belt signs, but if we did, I'd advise you that after we're up in cruise, they're staying on, and even if they didn't, you should stay buckled because traffic is bad, and I'm not a particularly good driver. I would also like to inform you that I'm a pilot, or ATP, which is "airline transport pilot" to the layman, and I fly for Southwest Airlines. My seniority number is six. My turn-ons are gerbils with a deep squeak, older women who sport leg hair, and the number six. My sign is cancer, my wu-tang clan name is beggar lucky, and I cry at any movie involving a ukelele. It's the strings. Please keep a sterile environment while the vehicle is in motion, which means no talking, no shadow puppets, and for God's sake, no bird calls. Especially not the one that goes whut, whut, whut kerboop. If I didn't mention it already, I'm an important airline pilot; I know that makes a lot of difference to you in your voyage to quickiemart. Welcome aboard. We'll be underway shortly, as soon as I run my checklists and say a prayer. I would also like to add that you have the right to remain silent, and anything you say can and will, oh, never mind. That's my other job. When I'm not flying airplanes for a living. This isn't my real job, by the way. I just do it so that people can interact with a real pilot. Please sit down, shut up, hang on, and if you enjoy the ride, tell all your friends. If you don't, kindly keep your trap shut. Thanks for riding with me today, and we'll be hitting the road momentarily. Please put away your cell phone, stop texting while I'm driving, and remember that tips are always appreciated. There are cold waters in the cooler by your feet. No, not that one. It's got a human heart. That's my other job, and after I drop you at quickiemart, I'll be headed to Our Lady of Perpetual Misery to drop it off before I swing back and pick you up. Yes, for a buck, you can touch it. The water is also a buck. Take two. It's hot outside. Once again, to recap, I'm a pilot, I'm important, and you're lucky to be in my car, even though it's a prius. Please sit back and have a good trip, and remember, safety starts with you. Thank you. As your pilot who flies for a major airline, I'll have you underway shortly.

Yes. Tell them. It's important that they know.
😅😅 priceless
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