Delta102

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

Delta102

Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
Join our frequent near-miss program.
Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
The kids will love our inflatable slides.
You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!
Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
Delta: We might be landing on your street!
Bring a bathing suit.
So that's what these buttons do!
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

Delta102

Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
I'm 22, got 6,000 hours, a four year degree and 3,000 hours in an F-16.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I'd love to have a woman WSO.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in the military aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2,000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5,000 hours total time, 3,200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
I've got the field in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
I'm SURE the gear was down.
Of COURSE the navigation unit is working.

Delta102

Warranty Registration Card


Lockheed Martin Tactical Aircraft Systems
AIRCRAFT - SPACE SYSTEMS - MISSILES



Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a Lockheed Martin military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Mr. / Mrs. / Ms. / Miss. / Lt. / Gen. / Comrade / Classified / Other

First Name____________________ Initial____ Last Name_______________________

Latitude______________________ Longitude________________________________

Altitude______________________ Password, Code Name, Etc.___________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

F-16A Falcon / F-16B Falcon / F-16C Falcon / F-16D Falcon / F-22 / Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number:____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

Received as Gift/Aid Package
Catalog/Showroom
Sleazy Arms Broker
Mail Order
Discount Store
Government Surplus
Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the Lockheed Martinproduct you have just purchased:

Heard loud noise, looked up
Store Display
Espionage
Recommended by friend/relative/ally
Political lobbying by Manufacturer
Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this Lockheed Martin product:

Style/Appearance
Kickback/Bribe
Recommended by salesperson
Speed/Maneuverability
Comfort/Convenience
Lockheed Martins Reputation
Advanced Weapons Systems
Price/Value
Back-Room Politics
Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

North America
Central/South America
Europe
Middle East
Africa
Asia/Far East
Misc. Third-World Countries
Aircraft Carrier
Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:

Communist/Socialist
Terrorist
Crazed (Islamic)
Crazed (Other)
Neutral
Democratic
Dictatorship
Corrupt (Latin American)
Corrupt (Other)
Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your Lockheed Martin product?

Cash
Suitcases of Cocaine
Oil Revenues
Deficit Spending
Personal Check
Credit Card
Ransom Money
Traveler's Check
Cyberbucks/E-Cash

12. OccupationYou Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:You Your Spouse

Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Lockheed Martin serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

Lockheed Martin Tactical Aircraft Systems
Marketing Department
P.O. Box 748
Forth Worth
Texas 76101

Delta102

Sorry if this the wrong place,But when your stuck in some out of the way place I hope they help pass the time..They've been in the lap top for a while.

Delta102

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire


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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Delta102

From the Flight Attendants:There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Delta102

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Delta102

The most dangerous organization in America today is:

a) The KKK

b) The American Nazi Party

c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club

Delta102

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.

Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.

Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.

And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.

Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.