AUSTIN, Texas -- The big news lately is that the airlines are cutting back drastically on the number of flights they'll be making around the country because they can't afford the rising cost of airplane fuel.

I don't know why this is a problem. What somebody needs to point out is that a lot of flights go to places you wouldn't necessarily want to fly to anyway. Like Arkansas. Why would anyone need an airplane out of Arkansas? If somebody living in Arkansas wants to go somewhere else, all he has to do is get in his house and drive off.

The list of places the airlines won't be going as often, if at all, grows daily. American Airlines has announced that it will stop nonstop flights out of Austin-Bergstrom International Airport to Seattle; Orange County, Calif.; and Raleigh-Durham, N.C., on Sept. 2 and to Love Field in Dallas on July 1. Whaddaya need to go to Raleigh for? Budget cigarettes? American is also canceling service Sept. 3 in and out of Oakland International. So? How many times during the day do you hear somebody say, "I know what. Let's go to Oakland. I'll bring the balloons."

One way the airlines could get around this problem is to rent parachutes.

See, the reason a lot of people fly to half-baked spots like Oakland is that it's cheaper to fly there than the place they're really headed -- in this case, San Francisco.

Your solution: For $100, the airlines could rent parachutes to travelers headed to Oakland. When the plane passes over Oakland, the Oakland passengers could reach their final destination by jumping out the emergency exit. Although that could lead to the problem of the term "final destination" taking on a more literal meaning.

To help the airlines stay in business, we need to come up with a comprehensive list of places they really don't need to fly -- like South Dakota.

Some suggestions:

Eliminate flights to states that are square-shaped or almost square. Nothing exciting ever happens in a square-shaped state. Unless you like corn festivals.

Stop flights to states that begin with the letter M. The main reason people go to Missouri is to see a Dolly Parton show in Branson. Goobers who go to Dolly Parton shows shouldn't be allowed on planes anyway.

Stop flights to cities that hobos on the side of the road mention on cardboard signs. The signs usually say something like "Going to Lubbock" or "Going to Wichita Falls." You rarely see a hobo headed for any place nice, like Maui.

Make all the flights out of Austin to California one-way. That means all the Californians headed out to the corporate office in San Jose will have a hard time getting back, which should cut down on Austin's traffic congestion.

John Kelso writes for the Austin American-Statesman; [email protected].