Joke Thread
11-20-2009, 10:31 AM
#1
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Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
Joke Thread
It's been a long time since the last joke thread. Probably because there's been nothing to laugh about lately given the furloughs, paycuts, bankruptcies and all that. However, Mom (that would be me 
) has decided that enough is enough! And it's Friday for crying out loud.
This one is not very funny, but just funny enough. Nobody can say that I don't give it a good try.
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An Englishman and a Frenchman are on a 747 and they are both on a flight to London for a meeting. The pilot comes over the PA and calmly says, "one of the engines is having trouble but we are fine to fly. Unfortunately, we will be a couple of hours late."
The Englishman is not happy at this news and complains loudly, "I have an important meeting and can't be late."
An hour later, the pilot comes back over the PA and slightly distressed says, "a second engine has gone down. Please don't worry, we can make it to London but there will now be an additional four hour delay." The Englishman comments, "I can't deal with these delays, I have important things to do."
Two hours later the pilot comes back over the PA. His voice is cracking and the stress in his voice is apparent. He says "Uh.....we have....um...a fire in an engine and have had to shut it down..... errrr...... but please don't panic...we will have an additional seven hour delay."
Well, the Frenchman is extremely worried at this. He gets up and comments, "if we lose one more engine we will be up here all day!"
) has decided that enough is enough! And it's Friday for crying out loud.This one is not very funny, but just funny enough. Nobody can say that I don't give it a good try.
----------------------------------------------
An Englishman and a Frenchman are on a 747 and they are both on a flight to London for a meeting. The pilot comes over the PA and calmly says, "one of the engines is having trouble but we are fine to fly. Unfortunately, we will be a couple of hours late."
The Englishman is not happy at this news and complains loudly, "I have an important meeting and can't be late."
An hour later, the pilot comes back over the PA and slightly distressed says, "a second engine has gone down. Please don't worry, we can make it to London but there will now be an additional four hour delay." The Englishman comments, "I can't deal with these delays, I have important things to do."
Two hours later the pilot comes back over the PA. His voice is cracking and the stress in his voice is apparent. He says "Uh.....we have....um...a fire in an engine and have had to shut it down..... errrr...... but please don't panic...we will have an additional seven hour delay."
Well, the Frenchman is extremely worried at this. He gets up and comments, "if we lose one more engine we will be up here all day!"
11-20-2009, 12:48 PM
#2
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Apr 2007
Position: Dream within a dream
Posts: 1,306
An airplane is delayed at Phoenix because of mechanical problems. It's 100 degrees outside, and everyone in the airplane is hot and uncomfortable. After a 3 hour fix, the airplane is finally ready to go. The captain comes over the PA: "Ladies and gentleman, we appreciate your patience. At this time we are ready for push back and would like to ask the flight attendants to prepare the cabin for departure."
He then turns to his first officer and, not knowing that he is still keying the mic, says: "You know what I could really go for right now? A cold beer and a nice bl*wjob."
As the first officer nods in agreement, all the passengers gasp, horrified. They all turn to the lead flight attendant, who wastes no time unstrapping herself from her seat and starts running up to the cockpit to let the pilots know what has happened. As she approaches the cockpit door, some smart@ss in first class stands up and yells: "Don't forget the cold beer!"
He then turns to his first officer and, not knowing that he is still keying the mic, says: "You know what I could really go for right now? A cold beer and a nice bl*wjob."
As the first officer nods in agreement, all the passengers gasp, horrified. They all turn to the lead flight attendant, who wastes no time unstrapping herself from her seat and starts running up to the cockpit to let the pilots know what has happened. As she approaches the cockpit door, some smart@ss in first class stands up and yells: "Don't forget the cold beer!"
11-20-2009, 01:29 PM
#3
Working Class Dog
Joined APC: Jan 2007
Position: Spares Pusher
Posts: 1,668
Even Older than those above....
But in the spirit of the aproaching season.
Christmas Cards for the Mentally Disturbed:
1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
3. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home For Christmas.
4. Narcissistic- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me.
5. Manic - Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And...
6. Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Me.
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire.
8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.
9. Attention Deficit Disorder- Silent Night, Holy Oooh Look At The Froggy, Can I Have A Chocolate, Why Is France So Far Away.
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,.
Christmas Cards for the Mentally Disturbed:
1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
3. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home For Christmas.
4. Narcissistic- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me.
5. Manic - Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And...
6. Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Me.
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire.
8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.
9. Attention Deficit Disorder- Silent Night, Holy Oooh Look At The Froggy, Can I Have A Chocolate, Why Is France So Far Away.
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,.
11-20-2009, 09:16 PM
#5
Working Class Dog
Joined APC: Jan 2007
Position: Spares Pusher
Posts: 1,668
After several kids, a guy decides to get a vasectomy. He's a little nervous about it but after talking to his personal physician about the procedure, he schedules the surgery. The day arrives and he is wheeled into the operating room. Although still a little nervous, he slips under sedation.
After surgery he awakens in the recovery room and there are a number of Doctors and Nurses standing around with a worried look on their faces. What's wrong" he asks?. The Doctor replies "Well, we had a little mix-up in the OR". "It seems that in an adjoining room, we had a man in for a sex change operation and it seems that we accidentally gave him the vasectomy and you the sex change" The patient is astounded but after a moment he asks the Doctor, "you mean that I won't be able to experience an erection anymore?" The Doctor replies "well yes, it just won't be yours."
After surgery he awakens in the recovery room and there are a number of Doctors and Nurses standing around with a worried look on their faces. What's wrong" he asks?. The Doctor replies "Well, we had a little mix-up in the OR". "It seems that in an adjoining room, we had a man in for a sex change operation and it seems that we accidentally gave him the vasectomy and you the sex change" The patient is astounded but after a moment he asks the Doctor, "you mean that I won't be able to experience an erection anymore?" The Doctor replies "well yes, it just won't be yours."
11-21-2009, 02:58 PM
#6
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Oct 2008
Position: ATL FO
Posts: 133
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call
It The Cockpit' 'It's The Box Office.'
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call
It The Cockpit' 'It's The Box Office.'
11-23-2009, 06:29 AM
#8
Weekends off? HA!
Joined APC: May 2006
Posts: 991
B----E MORTICIAN
A man who had just died was delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The female b----e mortician asked the deceased's wife
how she would like the body dressed. She pointed out that the man did look good in the
black suit he was already wearing.
The widow, however, said that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and
that she wanted him in a blue suit. She gave the B----e Mortician a blank check and said,
“I don't care what it costs. Just, please, have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returned the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her husband dressed
in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician,
“Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?”
To her astonishment, the b----e mortician presented her with the blank check. “There's no charge,” she said.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the widow insisted.
“Honestly, ma'am,” the b----e said, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long
as he looked nice.”
“So I just switched the heads.”
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
A man who had just died was delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The female b----e mortician asked the deceased's wife
how she would like the body dressed. She pointed out that the man did look good in the
black suit he was already wearing.
The widow, however, said that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and
that she wanted him in a blue suit. She gave the B----e Mortician a blank check and said,
“I don't care what it costs. Just, please, have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returned the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her husband dressed
in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician,
“Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?”
To her astonishment, the b----e mortician presented her with the blank check. “There's no charge,” she said.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the widow insisted.
“Honestly, ma'am,” the b----e said, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long
as he looked nice.”
“So I just switched the heads.”
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
Last edited by alarkyokie; 11-23-2009 at 06:31 AM. Reason: EqualOpportunityand TreatmentOffice
11-26-2009, 09:55 AM
#9
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Jul 2007
Position: FDX 767 FO
Posts: 817
For those of us who get to a Lowe's or Home Depot from time to time, a warning about a very dangerous scam. If you've seen this before, a little reminder is still in order.
YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark
parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking, 20-something, girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.
(Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.)
YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark
parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking, 20-something, girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.
(Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.)
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