Aviation Related Jokes
12-15-2011, 01:18 PM
#12
New Hire
Joined APC: Mar 2009
Position: Student Pilot
Posts: 8
Not sick or anything but I kinda like this one
A child and his mom are at the airport. As he is looking out the window he tells his mom that "when he grows up he wants to be a pilot." The mother responds "sorry son but you can't do both."
A child and his mom are at the airport. As he is looking out the window he tells his mom that "when he grows up he wants to be a pilot." The mother responds "sorry son but you can't do both."
12-15-2011, 01:30 PM
#13
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Feb 2006
Position: Seat 0B
Posts: 2,300
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the flight deck hears the noise. Annoyed by the noise, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the flight deck hears the noise. Annoyed by the noise, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
12-15-2011, 01:34 PM
#14
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Apr 2007
Position: Dream within a dream
Posts: 1,306
After a 3 hour mx delay on the ground at Phoenix, the crew and pax getting restless. It's hot in the airplane and everyone's patience is at an end.
Finally, a mx lead comes to the flightdeck and delivers the good news - the problem has been fixed. The captain cues up the PA: "Folks from the flightdeck, I am pleased to announce that our airplane has been repaired and we will be pushing back momentarily."
He turns to his F/O, and forgetting to take his hand off the mic, says "You know what I could really go for right now? An ice cold beer and a nice, sloppy blowjob."
As the F/O chuckles and nods, the passengers gasp and look at each other in horror. Sandy, an FA, unbuckles herself from her jumpseat and walks up to the flightdeck to notify the captain of his blunder. As she reaches the door, a smartass in first class stands up and yells,
"DON'T FORGET THE ICE COLD BEER!"
Finally, a mx lead comes to the flightdeck and delivers the good news - the problem has been fixed. The captain cues up the PA: "Folks from the flightdeck, I am pleased to announce that our airplane has been repaired and we will be pushing back momentarily."
He turns to his F/O, and forgetting to take his hand off the mic, says "You know what I could really go for right now? An ice cold beer and a nice, sloppy blowjob."
As the F/O chuckles and nods, the passengers gasp and look at each other in horror. Sandy, an FA, unbuckles herself from her jumpseat and walks up to the flightdeck to notify the captain of his blunder. As she reaches the door, a smartass in first class stands up and yells,
"DON'T FORGET THE ICE COLD BEER!"
12-15-2011, 02:52 PM
#15
Line Holder
Joined APC: Sep 2008
Posts: 83
Santa Claus, being a pilot, is getting checked out by an FAA examiner. The Fed looks over the weight and balance paperwork with admiration given the huge load of gifts on board. He is also impressed with Santa's meticulous pre-flight inspection of his otherwise impeccably maintained sleigh. After of few routine questions regarding over water operations, the Examiner decides it is time for the check ride. Santa dutifully boards the sleigh and delivers his passenger brief to the Examiner. As the Fed climbs onto the sleigh, Santa notices that he is carrying a shotgun. "What is the shotgun for?" Santa asks.
"Well I'm not supposed to tell you ahead of time, but you're going to lose an engine on take off."
"Well I'm not supposed to tell you ahead of time, but you're going to lose an engine on take off."
12-15-2011, 05:46 PM
#16
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Jul 2008
Position: E120 Driver
Posts: 160
A guy walks into a bar...
He sits down and the bar tender asks " What'll you have?"
"I'll have a beer."
Bartender gets the beer and says "That'll be 10 cents."
The guy asks "Why so cheep?"
Bartender says "Well, I won the lottery and always wanted to own a bar. So I just charge enough to cover the tax."
The guys goes about drinking his beer when he notices a group of guys sitting in the corner with no drinks.
He asks the bar tender "Whats with those guys over there?'
The bartender replies " Oh, those guys, well they're pilots. They're waiting for happy hour!"
Cheers
Steak
He sits down and the bar tender asks " What'll you have?"
"I'll have a beer."
Bartender gets the beer and says "That'll be 10 cents."
The guy asks "Why so cheep?"
Bartender says "Well, I won the lottery and always wanted to own a bar. So I just charge enough to cover the tax."
The guys goes about drinking his beer when he notices a group of guys sitting in the corner with no drinks.
He asks the bar tender "Whats with those guys over there?'
The bartender replies " Oh, those guys, well they're pilots. They're waiting for happy hour!"
Cheers
Steak
12-16-2011, 12:20 PM
#17
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Mar 2008
Position: Chris's Closet
Posts: 485
Cleveland Center: American 1259, turn 30 degrees right for noise abatement.
American 1259: We're a 727 at 37,000 feet. How much noise can we possibly make up here?
Cleveland Center: American 1259, have you ever heard a 727 hit a 747 at 37,000 feet?
American 1259: American 1259, turning 30 degrees right...
American 1259: We're a 727 at 37,000 feet. How much noise can we possibly make up here?
Cleveland Center: American 1259, have you ever heard a 727 hit a 747 at 37,000 feet?
American 1259: American 1259, turning 30 degrees right...
12-16-2011, 01:08 PM
#18
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Feb 2008
Position: Cessna 150
Posts: 655
The wife of a pilot and their child are at a grocery store. The child says to his mother, "mommy, look at all the giant soap".
Q: What's the difference between a flight attendant and a walrus?
A: One has a mustache and smells like fish, and the other one is a walrus.
Q: What's the difference between a flight attendant and a walrus?
A: One has a mustache and smells like fish, and the other one is a walrus.
12-18-2011, 11:39 AM
#19
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: May 2010
Posts: 165
Chuck Norris doesn’t request clearances, he states intentions.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever to land on runway 37.
Hijackers squawk 7500 when Chuck Norris is on board
Chuck Norris once shot down three enemy aircraft with his aux fuel tank.
Chuck Norris has never landed with a crosswind. The wind would never dare
get cross with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t fly into headwinds…the wind is always running away from Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris flies, the altimeter setting is 00.00. Chuck Norris is
never under pressure.
Right of Way rules do not apply when Chuck Norris is flying. If you are
flying toward Chuck Norris, you are wrong.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shoot approaches…he kills them.
Chuck Norris is never off of glideslope, the glideslope is off of Chuck Norris
Two way contact for Chuck Norris is when he hits you with both fists
simultaneously.
Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier with his Bell X-1 Jet. Chuck Norris
broke the sound barrier with his fist.
Chuck Norris was told to ident, the controller was greeted with a fist
coming out of his radar screen.
Chuck Norris doesn’t level off; he tells the altimeter to stop moving.
Chuck Norris was once denied a clearance… once.
Chuck Norris was flying and saw a wall of clouds ahead so he decided to
punch through them. He then got back in his helicopter and flew through the
hole he just made.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have emergencies, only moments of brief excitement.
Chuck Norris cannot be tracked on radar, if he appears, it is too late; you
are already dead.
A good flight for Chuck Norris is a bad flight for you.
A Flight Docs gives med up chits, Chuck Norris gives med down kicks.
Chuck Norris once moved a stationary front.
All survival vests will be fitted with a Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris isn’t holding, he is circling above his victims.
Chuck Norris provides close air support via flying round house kicks.
No one knows what Chuck Norris’ tale number is, nobody has ever gotten that close.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever to land on runway 37.
Hijackers squawk 7500 when Chuck Norris is on board
Chuck Norris once shot down three enemy aircraft with his aux fuel tank.
Chuck Norris has never landed with a crosswind. The wind would never dare
get cross with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t fly into headwinds…the wind is always running away from Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris flies, the altimeter setting is 00.00. Chuck Norris is
never under pressure.
Right of Way rules do not apply when Chuck Norris is flying. If you are
flying toward Chuck Norris, you are wrong.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shoot approaches…he kills them.
Chuck Norris is never off of glideslope, the glideslope is off of Chuck Norris
Two way contact for Chuck Norris is when he hits you with both fists
simultaneously.
Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier with his Bell X-1 Jet. Chuck Norris
broke the sound barrier with his fist.
Chuck Norris was told to ident, the controller was greeted with a fist
coming out of his radar screen.
Chuck Norris doesn’t level off; he tells the altimeter to stop moving.
Chuck Norris was once denied a clearance… once.
Chuck Norris was flying and saw a wall of clouds ahead so he decided to
punch through them. He then got back in his helicopter and flew through the
hole he just made.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have emergencies, only moments of brief excitement.
Chuck Norris cannot be tracked on radar, if he appears, it is too late; you
are already dead.
A good flight for Chuck Norris is a bad flight for you.
A Flight Docs gives med up chits, Chuck Norris gives med down kicks.
Chuck Norris once moved a stationary front.
All survival vests will be fitted with a Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris isn’t holding, he is circling above his victims.
Chuck Norris provides close air support via flying round house kicks.
No one knows what Chuck Norris’ tale number is, nobody has ever gotten that close.
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