Marriage problems...
 

So... I am not married and planning to embark on an aviation career within the year. My parents both are worried that I will never get married (which to them would be more tragic than death) and I would like to be married sooner rather than later. What can I do now to plan better and what should I realistically expect as a schedule for the first years of flying? I have people who tell me they are home all the time, and people whose wives are telling them to decide between the aircraft and their family. It seems that marriage problems are unavoidable in the future for any married pilot. What have you guys done to make it work?

Work
 

Don't get married.

SkyHigh

Dump Her Dude!!!! Life is like Top Gun.....youll be out riding fast bikes and beating the chicks off you with a stick!!........Ive got a hot deal on a bridge Ill sell ya too!!

Okay spitfire1500 the parents smoke screen didn't work all that well... My question is: can you make it work? And what will the schedule be realistically at home for the first couple of years. She doesn't like the airline idea too well. All I have ever wanted to do is fly so at this point she can come along or fade into the sunset but not flying is not an option.

Sounds like the two of you have already made you decisions.

Be a gentleman and break-up with her after X-mas. This way she won't be alone or have to tell family / friends during the holidays.

Good luck...

One more thing - break up early in the week...This way you won't ruin her weekend...


-LAFF

Looks like you answered your own question. If she fades away, you will not have a wife to worry about and you can get on the roller coaster and ride to your heart's content.

Do you love her? Does she love you? The beginning of married life is difficult for most people, but if the commitment is there, you can both help each other overcome almost anything. FWIW, one of my closest friends is an airline pilot. His wife never worked in the nearly 30 years they have been married. They somehow "survived" his tough years as an FO, and she is now relishing life as a captain's wife.

LAFF,

I tend to think delivering bad news toward the end of the week is better so that they can use the weekend to drown their sorrows in tequila or some other form of alcohol. But I do agree with you on the after the holidays tip.

Soon2BFO,

She's either on board or she's not. If you got to force it, I think we all know what will happen when the music stops. Better to end it now and walk away with your tiny pay checks as FO than to see half that tiny pay check go to her on a monthly basis. Life's tough...marriage just doesn't stand a chance in this day and age...then you add aviation to it? Welp...some can make it work...but you sure got to be pretty damn lucky!

If she doesn't like your career before it's already started then she's going to hate it once it does. Like everyone else said, sounds like your choice has already been made. While marriage is nowhere near my horizon right now, just being in the business has shown me that it's going to take a girl who is pretty trusting and doesn't mind being away from you AT LEAST half the month. After you accrue some seniority it MIGHT get better, but that's no guarentee. Good luck.

Keep in mind it's your life and not your parents. You gotta do what's right for you.

Not much of a smoke screen after you picked that avatar. :eek:

you guys are a little too gloomy for me....
 

I think marriage just like friendship is a give/take situation. You give some, you take some, and it works in both directions.

A good foundation for marriage is having your cards on the table and explaining yourself. This guy once told me that women are like control towers.... if you say your intentions, while they may not like it, alot of the times they'll suffice with a big and very SKEPTIC 'Roooooger'. Say your intentions, be clear, relay your thoughts and your feelings in a candid way and explain what you'd like to do, and where it is you'd like to get to. Realize though, that you're not gonna be able to 'have it all'....

For instance.... she can put up with your first couple years as an FO in a regional and then become happier as you make it to captain. Then comes a really good offer, flying FO on a 742, with 15/13 schedule.... maybe that'll be the point where you'll have to give some and give it up for the sake of keeping her smiling.... wait till another offer comes along.

That was just a stupid example of application. Applying aviation terms to a relationship. Just be clear, honest and realize that if you lay it all ahead of time, she might very well be your driving force, or in your case your JET-A fuel for your career, ambitions and motivation when times get rough.

Happy flying, keep it real.

-schone

The key is, find a sugar-mama, one who makes a LOT more then you will for the first who knows how many years of your career. Money solves all problems...well, maybe not really.:rolleyes:

LAFF, you have a lot of class. :)

Soon2BFO, I would not be in any matrimonial rush. Your girlfriend has already expressed her doubts about the airline life, yet you say that NOT flying is not an option. If you caved in to her wishes, or she to yours, you'll both end up unhappy and resentful. You said that you'd rather be married sooner rather than later. I don't know what your personal or religious beliefs are, but perhaps you could try living together in a committed relationship for a few years to see if both of you have what it takes to go the distance. Believe me, divorce isn't exactly pleasant and it is expensive, particularly if you have assets. If your personal or religious beliefs go against living together, then I would not rush into marriage under the circumstances. I think that both of you should really talk and try to figure out what you both expect from this relationship and be totally honest about your feelings, as well as the reality of the paths that you choose. As an adult, your parents feelings about wanting you to be married should not come into play here.

You didn't say how old you are, but if you are young, do not rush into anything. Best of luck to you!

I saw the video for the first time the other day and thought it was pretty funny.:D

Thanks for all of your input. I had another girlfriend at the beginning of flight training that wasn't too big on the idea, so she got the shaft sts after a while. My current one is just not looking forward to a cold bed half of the time. I think when it comes down to it it is an issue of trust between us, although she wants a family man who'll be around to help with homework etc. We're talking about it. I just don't want to be stuck (like some of you have said) as an RJ Capt making 65K because the schedule is good, and an upgrade to the majors would mean a tough schedule for a while.

-I also think that living together is like having an ejection seat. When it all goes to crap you just pull the handle and let it crash with everyone else involved going down too. Thats no way to start a real marriage.

:D Great Post, I agree with you and think that no one should marry before they are 30. Our 20's are our best years, let's no ruin them by being stuck with someone. Especially not during the starting years at a regional. :D

I'm a little confused...not sure I completely understand that statement :D!

I have dated my now turned fiance for 4 1/2 years, we've lived together for 4. When we first started this I told her upfront I want to work for an airline, I will be gone a lot, I won't make much money, etc. I even went so far as saying the jobs I go after, at least at first, come ahead of our relationship! She moved across the country 3 times FOR ME. She put her own career on hold while and worked menial, lousy secretarial jobs while in BFE so I could build flight time.

Yes - you could find a "sugar momma" to take care of you and help you survive on the low pay. But in my experiences those "sugar mommas" want you home with them, not out playing pilot having fun without them. I know of a few couples that have been in this situation and generally what happens is the decisions are made to maximize the women's income and the guy-pilot ends up either instructing for years or quitting aviation altogether.

As far as getting married/living with a girl if you are a pilot goes - you will probably end up spending more $$ in rent because they need to be in a safer neighborhood now that you aren't around. We got a dog for her (well, that's what I told her anyway :D!!) to keep her company while I am gone and put her more at ease at night. She drives the newer, more reliable and safer car. Make an effort to call several times a day when you are gone. Always call at night to say good night. When you are home, do things with them, don't go hanging out at the bar with your friends all the time. If you find the right kind of women you will be fine. Tell them upfront, IMO if there is ANY hesitation with supporting YOUR goals then they are out. Move on. Being supportive is 50% of the reason for having a partner IMO. You are there for her and she is there for you.

EDITed to add: I've read that financial stressors are the biggest hump in relationships. One of the best decisions you can make in finding a "mate" IMO is finding someone that has the same spending habits as you. If she is spending all your money and running of credit card debt because she wants new shoes you won't ever climb out of your "keeping up with the Jones" hole. Ok that's it for relationship advice from me!!

Be honest with whoever you start seeing. Let them know you won't be there for weekend cookouts, birthdays and holidays, but you'll do everything you can. Then man (or woman, as the case may be) up, and follow through. I didn't meet my wife until I was fully engulfed, she knew the gig from day one. Make your days off special with that person and your family. If you know you miss a holiday, plan for it since no one likes surprises.

I've worked on anniversaries, holidays, weekends, and what-not. You, and those around you take the easy and suggested route, and accept it; or take the hard way. If your mate doesn't deal with the fact you're gone, well that is a BIG strike one.

It's tough, but workable.

Stay off the forums at home, that'll help!!! :cool:

Ok, I'll guess I'll weigh in.

I'm 21 years old and I haven't had any sort of girlfriend in over 4 years. I've also never even french kissed a girl.

I think way too many people in general get married. At very least you need to wait til you become well adjusted in life and have a reasonable career set up. (this goes for ANY career field, not just airline flying). Personally, I don't think I'll ever be capable of having a girlfriend. I'm more of the loner type, I suppose; one of those people married to their work and their hobbies, etc.

mike....kiss a girl.

Kiss A Cute Girl
 

mike...like flynavyj said...kiss a girl. I'm not all over getting married quickly, I want to have fun, but I also don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and you shouldn't either.

We could fly 747's and have loving wives, it's okay. :D

Probably shouldn't get married
 

I am one of the few exceptions that ignored everyone's advice. I got married as a 22 year old pfc in the Marine Corps. I really heard about that. Immediatley after getting married, I deployed overseas for six months. In the following 3 years I spent a little over 13 months with my wife. Then I decided to become a pilot. Talk about ignoring the odds! I am now gone anywhere from 3 to 8 days at a time with absolutely no schedule.

Despite all of this I have been happily married for almost 7 years now. We have 2 children and we argue, but it is wonderful. I think the most important thing is that you share the same religious and personal beliefs. After that everything else can be worked out. This sounds simple but the fact is that few people have moral or religious beliefs to begin with. Not that you don't, just make sure you find someone with whom you agree on th big issues.

I can count on three fingers the number of succesful marriages I have known in these past few years. I know of litteraly dozens more that failed. In six months in Okinawa, 5 of my newlywed Marines recieved dear John letters. Most of those also came with empty bank account statements.

So in short, people like me are the exception. You probably shouldn't get married.

Seriously dude, go kiss a girl.

21-WOW. Yeah... Kissing is awesome, especially if you really love the girl you're with. I agree with everyone who has told you to go kiss some girls. Do it, its fun. I think that marriage is something that is good for you because it teaches you to take care of somebody else's needs, and not be totally selfish. I just don't want to doom a girl to misery because she doesn't want to have me be gone. Some women can put up with it, but the girls who I have dated who said they were fine with it in the beginning turn on me when we start talking about marriage.:confused:

[quote]I was only saying that most of the people I know in that situation aren't commited enough to the relationship to stick around when something they don't like starts to happen like relocation or low income. Obviously your woman was a rare exception, or you are a real ladies man:cool: I just don't think that it is good to get started that way, you lucked out. It is hard on the people I know, kids and adults, who have people coming in and out of their lives with live-in situations. I'm not trying to be cynical. I'm just trying to avoid big trouble in an important area in my life. Dumping the girl that I referenced to when I was starting out in flying was tough, we were formally engaged and everything, I just don't want to go through a real divorce.:eek:

Someone once said to a female friend, "all those little wierd things he does that you find cute now will be very annoying in six months."

If she has problems BEFORE YOU START, the odds are she will hate you after you follow through with them.


On a personal note: when I was in the navy I got met a girl. I told her we would be moving every 3 years and I would be gone half of the time. She said she could handle it. Our first move after getting married was 3000 miles from her folks. We had just gotten the phone connected when her mother called askeing, "When are you coming home?" It was the beginning of the end.... an end that took another five years.

Maybe he's gay. Not judging. Just offering a reason.:confused:

By the way, where is Dr. Phil when we need him?

Marrage
 

Another thing to consider is that being alone and on the road is really no big deal. You spend the night in a lonely hotel room or you spend the night alone in a more lonely studio apartment. Once you get married and there is someone you love at home with your cute tiny little children it can ruin your peaceful time away.

In addition a wife and family can make it more difficult financially as well. A single guy could fair well on 30K even in most big cities with a family in tow it gets spent fast.

By far the best plan for one dreaming of a life as an airline pilot is to leave all matrimony and relationships to the 9 to 5 stooges. Girlfriends, wives and children just muddy up the waters.

SkyHigh

OK I see. Yes I agree. For a lot of people it's easier to leave then deal with it. I would also agree with what you did - in the long run both of you are probably better off.

get a cat or dog. :p

it's calmed my wife down a little

Love has little place in marriage or any long term relationship...Respect and trust are the key.

-LAFF

Sheesh, I'm not gay. Women just don't go for me. Plus, I got enough things going on now as it is. And it saves me a ton of money!

I have to say that marriage is great. I have been doing the flying thing long before I met my wife. When we met I was at a desk job and home every night. When I went back to flying she cried. She knew it was going to happen, but she was not happy about it. That was over three years ago.
She still does not like me gone, but there are some real positives for her. One, she gets her space from me. She says that she does not need it, but the truth is that she does. I do to. I can get it in a hotel room. When I am off my time is her time. If you are always wanting to go out with the guys, it will never work. Understand that your better half sees it as you having fun while you are flying. They will never get it. If you can devote the majority of you time at home to her, you will have half a chance. That is what we do and it had been working great. She is my best friend and greatest champion. We respect each other and the one thing that she would never do it ask me to tun my back on a job that I love.

One way to reduce stress in any marriage is to make the commitment not to commute. I didn't follow my own advice and it has been stressful. Make sure you marry someone who can be happy independent of you. This "when hubby comes home everything will be allright" stuff will never work. If you are both happy when you are away, you will both be happy when you come home. Some ideas:

1. Leave her a to-do list so that when you get home all the stuff you would of had to do is already done, that leaves more drinking time with the guys.

2. Buy her gifts that are useful like a lawnmower, pool table or somethng thoughtful like a new table saw.

3. Get her an annual bus pass so that when you are gone she will have some way around town.

4. Set up separate checking accounts and always have at least 5 percent of your wages deposited directly into her account. That way, she will never be out of money.

5. On your anniversary, ask the flight attendant if you can have two first class entrees (to go) and take them home. The little woman will thank you for not having to cook.

5. Buy her the automatic dishwashing liguid, rather than have her wash them by hand.

6. For every shirt she washes and irons, reward her with a trip to the thrift store and buy her something nice.


You see, it is the little things in a relationship that determine who makes it and who doesn't. She will quickly adapt to living large as the wife of a big time airline pilot.

calcapt - man you are funny! :D

Are you a chick? Just curious because most guys don't think like that. Who cares what stats(or skyhigh) says. If you're meant to be...you're meant to be. You cannot plan for $hit like that:cool:

[HTML][/HTML]Sounds like you are a really sensitive guy... nice. The "Everything will be alright when hubby comes home" is a lot of what goes wrong when I'm dating girls. They always seem to wander into that trap. I'm a big guy so maybe I attract that kind of girl, where the independent type would see me as an obstacle in their evil plans to get my wallet and control everything else. The only girls who seem to really warm up to the pilot gig are the ones you see with all of the credit card statements in their appartment, and the posters of movie stars on their bedroom doors. Frankly the kind of girls who are really fun to date but would blow through first year pay on a weekend (although that wouldn't be hard to do... you get the idea).

Why get married at all? What does 30 mean? Is that some sort of a magic number? If you want to have fun, single or married, that is up to you.

Not a chick. I just want to find real love...:p I think my credability is fading away with this thread... I just think I'm through with dating and want to settle down. I'm getting close to starting my career so maybe the stress of moving wherever I get the job and the idea of being without my buddy network is making me want take her with.

What happened to Pilots having a girl in every town? CalCapt I bet you have a girl in everytown, all the way from LAX to JFK, and thanks to your guidelines every girl is set to go.

The worst vice is advice. That being said, the best advice I have ever heard for a pilot is:
Keep your First Officer house and your First Officer Wife.